I will try to fix you
by EB26
Summary: Tonks finds Harry damaged, both emotionally and physically, can she help fix him? Or are her own demons to much to overcome?
1. Full circle

**What if it makes you sad?**

_Full circle_

The raven haired teen was lying still on his back, staring straight up as he traced drawings on the ceiling immediately above him. It was immediately obvious, that they were drawn by a young child, -no older than five or six. Harry sighed he couldn't believe it that he was back in the cupboard under the stairs, that he had come full circle.

A series of thumps from overhead, told Harry that his uncle had finally dragged himself out his bed, and almost immediately a thin, whiny voice joined the racket and started moaning about her husband's lack of job. Harry immediately cursed his Aunt; she was putting his Uncle in a bad mood to soon. –And he, Harry would be left to bear the brunt of the rage. Unwilling to open his eyes, and succumb to the dull ache, -that appeared when his Godfather died, it hurt enough without having to carry around this empty hollow feeling inside of him.  
Savouring his last moments of peace, he drew his legs up to his chest letting out a sharp hiss as the movement jolted his bruised ribs.  
It seemed to Harry that in five years he had achieved nothing. Since his uncle had lost his job; he claimed to need Harry's room to convert into an office. Despite there being another spare room full of Dudley's old junk. To top it all off, Harry now faced his Uncle's explosive temper which had increased ten times over the summer and Harry went to bed every night covered in bruises. And he was still all alone, despite being surrounded by people.

A large rapping on the cupboard door made Harry sit up abruptly, banging his head on the ceiling as he did so. Cursing under his breath he started to change into an old sweatshirt, which really needed washing Harry noted, pulling it over his tender body.  
"Get up now. Dudley wants his breakfast." Harry flinched as his Uncle's voice sounded, right outside the flimsy door.  
Struggling into some jogging bottoms, wincing each time he jolted his tender ribs, Harry started panicking knowing full well the consequences of keeping his Uncle waiting. As he pushed open the door to his cupboard a large fist connected with Harry's nose.  
"Ha-ha, learn to move faster!" Dudley sneered as he skidded into the kitchen. Harry gingerly felt his nose, wincing as her prodded the tender skin, he pulled his hand away to see dark red blood pooling there, and then dripping onto the floor. It was definitely broken.  
"Great." Harry thought grimly, trying to stem the flow of blood, ignoring the shooting pains every time he presses a sleeve to his nose.  
A sharp intake of breath made Harry glance up, to see his Uncle standing glaring furiously at him.  
"How. Dare. You." He spat out, "How dare you taint our home with your blood." He advanced slowly, menacingly. Confident in the fact that his nephew would not, –could not, do anything.  
Harry cringed as his Uncle's face began to go red; recognising it as an immediate danger sign.  
'The best course of action is back away slowly,' he decided.  
'It's too early in the morning for this.' He thought desperately looking for an escape route. His Uncle guessing what Harry was trying to do, -smiles nastily. "There's no escape boy, so don't even try."  
He suddenly lunged forward his knee colliding with Harry's stomach, Harry feels the wind rush out of his system, and he raises his hand trying to protect his already tender face from the blows raining down. Suddenly hands close tight around his throat. Harry struggles, -flopping uselessly like a fish, his hand over his Uncle's trying to release some of the pressure. "Please!" He gasped, knowing it's no use, this is his Uncle's favourite form of torture, -seeing how long Harry will last. And as his vision begins to fade he mutters a quick prayer for help, and then he could no longer feel a thing.

Harry opens his eyes suddenly, blinking in the darkness; he struggles to remember what happened, unsure to why he wasn't up and performing his chores. A click glance at his watch told Harry that it was midday, he turned his head and immediately his memory returned as his head gave a sharp throb, he put one hand to the back of his head, -this immediately confirms his suspicions as his hand came away covered with dark blood. He recognised that his Uncle must have carried on hitting him after he had passed out, -his rage not spent. Harry groaned at this, perfectly aware that he would pay later for passing out. He lay back ignoring the pain in the back of his head perfectly content for now, to lie back and not disturb his most recent injuries. A regularly pondered questioned popped into Harry's head. Why didn't he just tell someone about the abuse, Dumbledore? Ron or Hermione? He would not allow himself to feel sorry about his situation, or anybody else. Because if Harry was truthful to himself, he knew in his mind that he deserved the beatings. It was his penance, the price he had to pay for allowing Sirius to die. He no longer felt pain at Sirius's death; he felt nothing, except the occasional twinge of guilt that accompanied all his thoughts of Sirius.  
Feeling nothing didn't bother Harry. In fact he had his own secret way of feeling pain; he smiles in the darkness, as he pulls up the sleeve of his sweatshirt. His hand running over the old and new scars littered there.  
'This is necessary.' He tells himself as his hand reaches out towards were he knew his prize is concealed. And his fingers close over the small blade, which allows him to feel. Pulling it out, he holds it to an unmarked piece of skin, and presses down. Feeling the sting he closes his eyes, focused now only on the pain, as it overwhelms him. –Allowing him to feel again.


	2. No way out

_No way out_

"Wake up boy!"  
Harry grumbled, struggling to open his eyes, -he had been dreaming, he had been peaceful.  
"Now!"  
Harry wearily sat up, biting his lip as not to cry out. As his new round of injuries protested against any form of movement. He steps outside the confines of his cupboard, conscious of the due consequences of passing out before.  
His Uncle was stood glaring at Harry as he tried not to cry out in pain.  
"You've got chores to complete boy, and I want them to be completed." He snarls throwing a piece of paper at his nephew. "Or there will be consequences." He whispers menacingly his face into Harry's, who tries not to flinch, -to no avail.  
His Uncle Smirks and steps back.  
"Petunia!" He bellows suddenly turning his back on Harry, "Petunia, I'm off out, make sure you keep an eye on the boy."  
Vernon passes Harry giving him a nasty grin on the way out. "If I find out you have been any bother boy, you will pay. Just remember that."  
Harry gives him the dirtiest look he dares, before scanning the list before him, his heart sinking at the amount of jobs that was to be done, there was no way he could get these done in time, and that was sure to end in an beating.  
'But that was probably the plan.' Harry mutters darkly, he groans as he sees that cleaning the bathroom is top of the list. He wasn't sure if his hands could handle any more cleaning products. The feeling was already starting to disappear in them.  
'Oh well.' He thinks as he made his way up the pristine staircase, 'at least I can finally have a wash.'

Locating the cleaning supplies easily, he set to work abruptly, the already raw skin on his hand protesting painfully to the invasion of yet more cleaning products, Harry knew that the bathroom was already spotless, as he has cleaned it twice this week already, however he knew the Dursley's would find fault with whatever he did. So trying desperately to ignore the jibes his Aunt made whenever she saw fit to check on him. Which unfortunately was often, -he tried to stay focused on his task.  
The only thing he actually liked about the chores was they occupied his mind, not allowing them to stray onto dangerous topics. Such as the impossibility of his future destiny. No, these topics now only plagued him at night, whilst he tries to sleep.

Fortunately Harry was soon finished, and after a quick glance in the hall, he decided to risk a quick wash.  
Seizing one of the flannels due to be washed he ran some hot water and dunked the flannel in it, proceeding to rinse it out thoroughly he placed the flannel, on the back of his neck, wincing as it angered the wounded skin there. However now wasn't the time to be wimpish, he knew that he needed to clean his recent wounds to avoid any infection, -if it isn't already to late.  
A sharp gasp behind him made Harry drop the blood soaked flannel and turn around sharply. His Aunt was stood in the doorway her features a mask of both horror and anger.  
"How dare you-" She whispers her voice shaking with anger. "You- you, filthy thing. How dare you touch my families' things? You will pay for this."  
Harry stared at her frozen, to shocked to even move.  
His aunt opposite glares at him, "You just wait till Vernon gets home."  
Harry's insides drop at these words, he was truly frightened.  
"Now get back into your cupboard and stay there!"

Harry was huddled up in a ball. To scared to even move. His left hand clutched his knife tightly, -to tightly he realised, as the skin broke and droplets of blood ran down his hand. However he could not somehow bring himself to care, as thoughts of his immediate future controlled his mind. Then as he looks down at his hand he realizes it mightn't be such a bad idea to forget what is to soon happen for a while. So he brings the small knife up to his arm, and presses down again and again.

"BOY!"

Harry flinches as he immediately recognises his Uncle's voice, dread settles in his stomach as the cupboard door is flung open. He closes his eyes, as large beefy hands rap around his sweatshirt and yank him out. Harry bites on his tongue-hard. Trying to stop the cry of pain that threatens to escape, as his Uncle's fingers graze along his recent cuts.  
"I am going to teach you a lesson you won't forget boy."  
Harry feels himself being dragged into the living room, and trips over something.  
Lying in a heap in the middle of the floor he can hear a high pitched sound -Dudley laughing.  
"Dudley, out."  
Harry's heart sank as he heard these quietly spoke words. What's coming must be bad he realised.  
"But Dad-"  
"OUT!"  
Harry squeezed his eyes further shut as he heard the sound of a belt being unbuckled.  
He heard the belt before he felt it, a high swishing noise and a faint breeze in his back. And then he thought his body was being split in two. He squeezes his eyes shut and bites down hard on his tongue, -not wanting to cry out yet not being able to stop himself. His body curled in a foetal position he tries to protect any part of his body that he can, as the relentless whips lashed down upon him.

Finally numb, he has no idea how much time has passed, his body is numb, tired of the whipping his Uncle has resorted to kicking, and Harry vaguely recognises the sounds of multiple bones breaking as he is thrown about the living room. His body lifeless.

He can feel his hold on reality slipping, the dark beckoning to him. Promising him peace at last. He doesn't have the will to stay alive, and the last thought before he slips under, is who is going to tell Ron and Hermione?


	3. You're not alone

_You're not alone_

Nymphadora Tonks had been stood outside number 4 Privet Drive for just over an hour now. She stood facing the house, never taking her eyes off it, except to check her watch impatiently. No this is not how she imagined spending her nights when she joined the order. 'Above anything, it's freezing!' She complained to herself, sure Potter Duty was fine and dandy if you only had to do it once a week.  
'But every night is taking the piss.' She muttered darkly, eyeing the protective wards around the house. Dumbledore put up the wards as a notice to any guards surrounding Privet Drive as an extra precaution. –The wards, which are invisible to muggles, but to any Witch or Wizard, it's a dark blue aura that surrounds the house. Changing to a light green, if any magical being inside the house was in serious trouble.  
I.e. Harry Potter.  
Which he is now, Tonks realised as the aura pulsed to a light green.  
"Shit!"

With six strides Tonks was at the front door muttering a spell as the door swung open to reveal a dark hallway.  
"Lumos," she muttered as she stepped gingerly inside, pausing outside a closed door, which led to what she presumed to be the living room.  
She could hear a man inside muttering something, and kicking something heavy across the room. Tonks pressed her ear to the door, not wishing to disturb this obviously irate man, if Harry wasn't in there. However after hearing mutters of, "you ungrateful swine, I'll teach you to pass out on me!"  
She decided the evidence was pretty conclusive, and flung open the heavy door immediately stunning the startled man, who fell to the ground, with one hell of a thump she noted.  
Pointing her wand around the room, she saw a small figure in the corner.  
"Harry?" Tonks wasn't sure what was about to happen, but she had a very bad feeling, "Harry, is that you?" She said walking over to the figure.  
"Oh my god, Harry?" She looked on in horror at this broken boy on the floor, who was lying in a pool of his own blood, Tonks realised as she knelt down beside him. She realised that most of the damage was being concealed by the oversized sweatshirt he had on. Needing to see the extent of what had happened she muttered a spell which made Harry's sweatshirt disappear.  
"Oh Harry, what have we done leaving you here." She muttered sadly as she saw the dark bruises which covered most of his torso, but as her gaze dropped to his arms, her mouth opened in shock.  
"No, no, no, no!" She said looking at the self inflicted wounds.  
Pointing her wand at Harry she muttered a string of spells that got rid of the worst of the damage, made it possible for Harry to survive till they reached safety.

Gathering the teenager in her arms, carefully avoiding the deep cuts in his arms, the young auror, closed her eyes and whispered. "The Burrow."


	4. How strong do you think I am?

_How strong do you think I am?_

The darkness is pressing down on him, a dark throbbing darkness, which cradled him peacefully. He can hear faint whispers, disturbing him making him feel uneasy, but the darkness blocks out everything, all the violence, hurt and guilt.  
Voices were rousing Harry, loud voices calling his name, cold fingers pressing against his face and neck. He was aware that his Aunt and Uncle were probably panicking. Since he was sure that they had gone too far, -that he was dying. But then it occurred to him that if he was dying surely his thoughts wouldn't be so conscious?  
As this crossed his mind, the darkness began to fade.  
"No!" he cried out, panicking not wanting to wake up, he was finally happy. The real world hurts too much.

"Harry? Come on Harry, wake up darling, come on now!" A soft voice broke into Harry's thoughts. He groans determined not to open his eyes. He was shocked he felt so weak; he gave an experimental twitch of his fingers, and found he could move quite easily. A sharp gasp alerted him to the fact that his attempts to move had not gone unnoticed. He could feel himself being moved into a sitting position and a cold flannel pressed to his head, gentle hands were feeling his temperature, he groaned again not wanting to be touched. He could feel himself lashing out pushing the hands away.  
"Stop it Harry, just open your eyes," said that soft voice, gently reprimanding him, it did not sound angry however, he turned over and buries his head into the pillow, perfectly aware he was being stupid and would have to face his relatives sometime.  
But it was so easy to stay in the dark.  
"Are you sure he's fully awake?"  
Harry strained his ears listening hard, he was terribly confused and he felt his body being moved again, cold hands stroking his face. Harry scrunched up his eyes he did not wish to be touched. He decides that a better alternative might be to open his eyes and get it over with; the people around him obviously know he's awake.  
So with an extreme foreboding he forced one eye open, squinting against the harsh light that's shining down on him.  
"Oh thank god, Harry how are you feeling?" Molly Weasley's face swam into focus as Harry struggled to get his bearings, where was his Uncle?  
Not seeming to notice his confusion Mrs Weasley swooped down and pulled him into a tight hug. "We've been so worried." She murmurs into his hair.

Harry holds himself stiff against the hug, he can feel Mrs Weasley's hands making soothing circles on his back –trying to get him to relax, but he couldn't help it. He was just so afraid of being hurt again.  
"Does anything hurt?" She whispers softly, finally releasing him from her embrace.  
Harry stretches out experimentally, wincing as his arms brushed against the blankets covering him. But he was very surprised when nothing major ached.  
Preoccupied in discovering why he wasn't in agony due to his Uncle's beating, Harry missed the knowing glance that Mrs Weasley and a concealed Tonks exchanged.  
"Harry you have been unconscious." A different voice told him.  
Harry jumped startled; peering around Mrs Weasley he saw the face of Tonks. Harry flushes embarrassed that he has an audience despite how small it was, painfully aware now that someone had obviously somehow been notified about his Uncle's attack.  
"We have been very worried about you." Mrs Weasley says solemnly shifting position, her eyes tired.  
'I don't deserve anyone's concern," Harry thought bitterly glancing away, he was now simply wishing that he would be left alone.  
"We've had to keep you unconscious Harry, to allow you to heal, but I'm afraid that you will still need to take blood replenishing potions every hour due to the amount of blood you lost." Tonks said seriously, "these potions will have to be taken regularly; Severus will see you in a few days to discuss this further."  
Harry stared at her in horror, "but why? Why can't you or Mrs Weasley explain it, why Snape?"  
Mrs Weasley sent him a disapproving look, "_Professor_ Snape Harry."  
Tonks moved to stand beside Mrs Weasley, and looked down at him. Although Harry knew she didn't mean the action to be threatening, he couldn't help feeling incredibly small and vulnerable.  
"Over the next few days you will need to stay in bed," said Tonks, "you are not fully healed yet."  
"Oh," Harry muttered dimly, really unsure what to say to this, "What's happened to the Dursley's?"  
At the mention of his family's name, Mrs Weasley's face darkened. "Nothing yet, but don't worry Harry. I promise you, that you won't be going back. Dumbledore will sort it all out."  
"What? Dumbledore knows?" Harry said sharply, ignoring the concerned look that Tonks shot him. He really didn't want Dumbledore to know, sure that he would be the one to ask Harry why he let the abuse continue. He felt irrationally angry, annoyed at whoever interfered with his life. He was barely in control, 'I don't need other people interfering,' he thinks bitterly.  
"Of course," she replied softly, "All the order members have been notified about _everything_."  
Harry closed his eyes.  
'This is just great.' He thinks sadly, imagining Lupin's face when he finds out what's happened.  
"Even though we have healed the majority of your, - injuries, you will still have to take it easy for a while." Mrs Weasley said sternly, "And that means no quidditch!"  
Harry almost laughed; quidditch was the least of his problems at the moment.  
"How did you even know what happened?" He asked quietly.  
Mrs Weasley backed away from Harry's bed, "look love, I need to see to the other children, but Tonks will explain everything, and remember Harry you have people that care very deeply about you."  
Tonks moved forward and took Mrs Weasley's place at the side of Harry's bed.  
"All the order members have been stationed outside your house at various times this summer, and a ward had been placed around your house alerting us to any trouble, and Harry I'm so sorry we didn't rescue you sooner.." Tonks hesitated seeming unsure, "We have been aware that things haven't been ok with your Aunt and Uncle, but I promise you, we never knew it was this bad, or we would have acted sooner."  
Harry completely ignored Tonks's apology. –He didn't deserve it.  
"So you've all been spying on me?" Harry said angrily, and he was aware he was being irrational but that did nothing to improve his mood, "who was it that actually 'rescued' me?" He demands bitterly.  
"Nobody was _spying _on you Harry," she said shortly giving him a demeaning look. "Last night I was outside your house, so it was me that found you." She shifted, not looking sorry in the slightest Harry noticed. He looked down, inwardly seething, so it was Tonks that has messed things up.  
"Harry you must know that when I found you, you were in an awful state, but some of your wounds regardless of magic, cannot be healed."  
Harry looked at her curious, he certainly felt better than he had in ages, he felt unnerved by the knowing look she had in her face. "I feel fine though." He replies as innocently as possible.  
Tonks gazed at him steadily, "Self inflicted wounds cannot be healed." She said bluntly causing Harry to flush, he tried to look down inconspicuously at his arms, shock fleeting across his features when he saw they were bandaged.  
"My wounds are **not** self inflicted," he denies venomously furious that she was getting involved, but his argument was kind of weakened at the fact that his voice completely died at the end of that sentence, -causing it to come out in a croak.  
'Great, real convincing Harry,' he thinks, ignoring the exasperated look Tonks is sending him.  
"Harry?"  
Harry ignored her, deciding that ignorance is his best tactic, he glanced down looking at the bandages which protected his scarred arms from any further wrath, he felt utterly miserable and backed into a corner.  
"Why are you doing this to me?" He asks coldly.  
Tonks flinched at the stony look in the young boys eyes. She couldn't quite believe what Harry had asked.  
"Surely you didn't want to be left at Privet Drive Harry?" She asked curiously, Harry glared at her 'why can't she just but out?'  
"I should warn you before you talk to anybody else," she said ignoring the hostile looks Harry was sending her, "-that all the order members have been notified about your self halm."  
Harry curled his hands into fists before looking at her; he couldn't believe that this was happening. 'Why does everybody have to interfere,' he thinks not removing the stony glare on his face.  
"I do not self halm," he says firmly, meeting her incredulous look.  
They would take his knife away from him and he couldn't allow that to happen –he relied on it. And the looks he would get from the others; Lupin, Mr Weasley, Snape, eugh Snape Harry shuddered, he can just imagine the gloating look on his most hated professor's face. He would be so pleased that Harry had finally revealed he is not as perfect as everyone thinks.  
"Everything will be ok now, I promise." Tonks met his glare with unwavering eyes.  
"How can you possibly promise that Tonks?" He whispers angrily. "How can anyone promise that, because it's clearly not going to be ok is it?"  
Tonks looked away from his angry resentful eyes, "Harry," she mumbled. "You're not alone you know, you have your friends and all the order is behind you backing you up."  
"What if it's not enough?"  
Tonks had no answer to this, "Well it will have to be." She says simply.


	5. Eveyone wants to feel like someone cares

_Everyone wants to feel like someone cares_

They were just sitting there.  
Just looking at him, two eyes filled with guilt, he can't stand it, he can tell they wish him to say something, but he can't find the words. 'Just stop staring' he snarls inwardly, it's making him feel uncomfortable.  
The silence was thick with tension, with his two best friends exchanging glances with each other obviously not wanting to approach the issue they came to discuss.  
A loud sniff makes him look up.  
Great.  
Hermione is now crying, Harry stares, as large teardrops run down her face, "Don't cry Hermione, please, just, don't-"  
'See,' he thinks guiltily, 'Just look at what you're doing to your friends, how much pain your causing them.' He watches Hermione who tries in vain to stop the tears, he's unable to move and comfort her, -the guilt snarling in his chest.  
"I'm sorry Harry," she sniffs wiping her face on her sleeve.  
'Yeah, like she has anything to actually be sorry for.' He thinks grimly, whilst Ron sat besides her looking awkward. This was not his territory.  
To say the whole situation shocked the two of them was an understatement, Hermione had become hysterical when Mrs Weasley told the children everything that had happened.  
All the order members had been told separately, but they had been kept away from the room Harry was staying in. As Harry was under the pretence he was still too ill to see anybody. However Hermione and Ron insisted that they see Harry, and to be honest he just didn't have the strength to decline. Besides it caused too many questions.  
Yet even now Ron found his eyes drawn to where his best friends arms where still bandaged, but he was still unwilling to mention it.

"Harry, you should have told us what was going on, sent us an owl." Hermione was looking at him sadly, and her voice dropped to a whisper, "we could have helped surely?" She said desperately.  
Harry closes his eyes, 'no Hermione, what could two underage wizards have done' he thinks bitterly this was exactly what he was afraid of, -all the questions.  
"Hermione, no one could have done anything. I didn't want to worry you." Harry muttered knowing his excuse sounded weak, yet he knew they wouldn't understand the truth.  
"Harry!" Ron spoke sharply sounding slightly angry, "those muggles nearly killed you, you could have died!"  
"But I didn't, I'm fine now Ron." Harry answered just as sharply, irritation flaring up.  
Hermione looked pointedly at his bandaged arms, "you don't look fine Harry."  
Harry saw Ron glance away at this, clearly he wasn't comfortable with discussing Harry's coping methods yet.  
"Leave it Hermione," he muttered.  
"Harry?" Hermione said ignoring Ron and leaning forward to grip his hand, "I know that you have been though an awful lot over the summer, but you have got to promise-" she paused looking him in the eyes, Harry almost snorted, -she has no idea what he had went through.  
" -You have got to promise you won't hurt yourself again."

Harry sighed, he was prepared for this, them begging him to promise, that they would expect him to just stop. But they don't realise this isn't something he can control it's an addiction.  
Suddenly Harry smiled, 'he knew they would continue watching him, but what if everyone thought he was ok, and that there was no need to watch him?  
So he decided to lie.  
Ignoring the small twinge of guilt in his stomach, he looked Hermione straight in the eyes, "Hermione I know what I did was stupid and reckless, but it's over now and I promise I will never do it again."  
Ron grinned at him, sure that the situation was resolved, and he had done his duty as Harry's best friend, by getting Harry to '_open up'_. Hermione however, didn't look convinced.  
Harry ignored the piercing look she gave him, and desperate to change the subject he turned to Ron, "So what's been happening with your summer mate, anything interesting?"  
"Nothing really, we've had the family visiting all summer, only just got the house back." Ron pulled a face. Whilst Hermione looks a bit disconcerted at the abrupt turn the conversation had taken, Harry makes sure that his face looks relaxed and carefree.  
Harry laughed, "and now you have all us lot staying here, lucky you."  
"Well when you're aloud out this room, you will be moving in with me."  
Harry grinned, whilst inwardly he groaned, it would be a lot harder carrying on with his cutting if someone was constantly there, "I wonder when I will be allowed out then."  
"Hopefully soon, it's too cramped in Ginny's room now." Hermione said sounding slightly annoyed, Harry turned to look at her smiling at her expression.  
"Oh am I staying in your room now Hermione?" He had wondered who's trunk was in the corner, because it certainly wasn't his.  
"Nope this is Tonks's room."  
"Tonks?" Harry said startled, he hadn't realised that Tonks was staying with the Weasley's, though she has been around a rather lot he realizes.  
"Yep."  
"Lupin is staying with us to," Ron informed Harry.  
"Why?" Harry wondered, Lupin had his own house.  
Ron looked down looking slightly awkward.  
"He wanted to be close in case there was any trouble," Hermione said carefully.  
Harry has a nasty feeling about what was coming, "What trouble?"  
"Harry, he feels very guilty over what happened to you."  
"But why? It wasn't his fault." Harry said sounding angry, despite trying to keep carm. He mustn't get wound up; he had no way to cope just yet. 'But Jesus Christ I wish everyone would just stop blaming themselves.'  
"He thinks he should have been there for you more," Hermione said gently. "In fact I think everyone feels like that Harry."  
Harry looked away feeling really bad, he didn't want them to feel guilty, it wasn't fair on them.

"Harry?"  
Harry looked up to see Tonks standing in the doorway.  
"How you feeling?" She asked gently sitting beside Ron, at the side of Harry's bed.  
"I'm fine," Harry forced his face into a tight smile, Tonks was a lot more perceptive than Ron and Hermione and he was sure she would see through his lies.  
"Hey Tonks, I don't suppose you know when Harry will be allowed to move into my room?" Ron asks her cheerfully.  
"I'm not sure;" she answers slowly, "Molly seems to think we need to keep you under observation for a bit longer Harry."  
Harry stares at her, "but I'm fine."  
Tonks shrugs, "It's not up to me."  
Harry glared at her, "don't you want your room back?"  
"Harry, I'm perfectly prepared to spend another couple of days with Hermione and Ginny if it keeps you safe," she said giving him a wry smile.  
"I don't need protecting!" He said angrily.  
"Look mate, I'll have a word with mum." Ron said standing up, "besides I think tea is nearly ready anyway."  
Hermione stood up to leave as well, "I'll see you later," she promises walking out.  
"Harry do you think you're ready to come downstairs?" Tonks asks him gently.  
Harry gulps, he hadn't seen anyone else yet and he was dreading it.  
Tonks guessing what he was thinking gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, "It's up to you, but you are going to have to see people sometime."  
Harry sighed and pushed back the bed covers, "well is there a jumper or something I can put on." He wasn't in the mood for people to be staring at his bandages.  
"Yeah, your trunks in Ron's room."  
Harry gapes at her, "my trunk? You went back to the Dursley's?"  
Tonks gave a low chuckle, "don't worry, I avoided the muggles."  
Harry gave her a small smile and then a shriek of laughter from downstairs made his stomach turn, "I'm scared Tonks." He admits softly looking at her.  
Tonks sighs softly; she was unsure how to reassure him, she wasn't sure he even wanted reassuring. She also knew that despite what he said, he wasn't ok.  
"Harry, everybody down there cares for you and wants to help you."  
"That's kind of what I'm scared of." He mumbles, "Everyone expects answers off me Tonks, but I don't have any, I can't give them a reason why I didn't tell, why I did what I did."  
Tonks studies his face, "Harry you don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to."  
"But they'll expect me to tell them." He says bitterly, "they're all panicking because I'm not living up to their expectations."  
"That's not fair," Tonks replies sharply, "everybody in this house cares about you, you just can't see it."  
He decides not to answer this, let them assume what they want.  
"Accio Harry's jumper." Tonks says with her wand out.  
Soon enough a dark baggy jumper is zooming through the open door, Tonks grabs it and passes it to Harry who mutters a quiet thanks. Out of the corner of his eye he sees her turn around, presumably to give him his privacy.  
"Tonks?" Harry says after he is dressed, "do you know when the bandages will be coming off?" This question had been bugging him for awhile; -he needed access to his arms.  
"I'm not sure Harry, some of the cuts are quite deep, we cannot risk them getting infected."  
Harry glares at her, he had managed not to get his cuts infected during the summer, he was sure he could manage now.  
"We need to go down," Tonks gestures towards the door; "Molly will be getting impatient." She gives him a small grin and he couldn't help but grin back.

Harry pauses his hands resting on the large door leading to the kitchen. He can hear people inside –a lot of people. He gulps unsure if he is ready to face everybody. He can hear Tonks moving at the back of him.  
"Harry?" She whispers unsure, she places her hand on his back and Harry flinches unwillingly. She still didn't remove her hand though. Instead he can feel her applying pressure pushing him forward; he takes a deep breath and pushes the door open.

'Don't look up, just look at the floor, don't look up-'Harry thinks repeatedly as he makes his way over to the already crowded table. 'What a great day to make an entrance Harry.' He chastises himself aware that the room was silent. A movement to his right makes him glance up, it was Remus. Great.  
"Harry?" Remus asks in his deep voice, his grey eyes boring into his, Harry squirms feeling uncomfortable, he was now feeling slightly guilty for refusing to see him, le looks up at the worn looking man.  
"Hi," he replies weakly, giving Remus a small smile to reassure him.  
The older man leans down and pulls Harry into a hug, Harry can feel Remus shaking and he tightens his hold on the man's robes, unable to help himself he screws his face up against the tears that threaten to escape, he can see Mrs Weasley handing out dishes and he gives a loud sniff to pull himself together. Remus pulls away and again studies Harry, his eyes roaming over his face, body and his concealed arms. Harry turns away embarrassed, he can see Ginny smiling at him from across the table, he returns the smile.  
"I'm glad you're feeling better." She says before turning away to talk to Ron.  
Remus takes a seat beside him, and turns to talk to Tonks, looking around Harry see's everyone engrossed again in their own conversations and he smiles slightly to himself. Maybe it won't be so hard after all.


	6. Author note

Hey, thanks to all the reviews (:, I have got several chapters ready to post but I am trying to lay off posting all the chapters at one go.  
To BlackTideFan, yes the story will end up an eventual Tonks/Harry. Hopefully this will come across in the next three chapters!  
And yes people are looking out for Harry in the story, but since it's from his perspective he doesn't notice it as much.  
Please keep reviewing! :)


	7. They would not see, they did not know ho

_They would not see, they did not know how  
_

It really was amazing how soon Harry was able to slip into his 'normal' charade, how quickly people were willing to forget what had happened. How they try to fool themselves everything is fine. In fact Harry considered it quite a blessing that the people surrounding him were so ignorant. Through no fault of their own of course, it was easier for them this way he knew that. Though Remus still watched him, his eyes sad as if he knew that Harry lied every time he was asked if he was ok. But Harry couldn't help that it was better this way, -easier for everyone.  
He was now back in Ron's room, away from prying eyes that watched his every move, but he has been careful and bided his time. Now it has payed off, no one thought to check for new cuts, why should they, their golden boy was all better. He was cured, apparently. Except of course for the deep cuts that now littered his thighs, and even now as he lay quiet in bed listening to Ron's heavy breathing, he can feel a need for release. He's not stupid, he knows how many hearts will break, if anybody found out he had not kept his promise. But it can't be helped.  
Harry battled before he sat up slowly careful not to wake Ron and slipped out of bed. His bare feet padded softly across the cold floor towards his trunk. He leaned down and unzipped it slowly, keeping one eye on Ron for any movement, and there nestled in a pair of old socks is what he seeks.  
A shard of broken glass.  
It wasn't as sharp as the knife and tended to leave the skin rough and unevenly scarred, something which Harry hates, he wants it to be neat and clean. But since everything remotely sharp had been taken away from him, he couldn't afford to be picky and was lucky he founded this half buried in the back garden of the burrow. He made his way across the room and managed to slip out the closed door without it squeaking and alerting people to his activities, he made his way slowly across the dark landing, his ears strained for any sign of movement. He reached the closed door of the large bathroom, but as he turned the handle he sighed to discover that it was locked. He turned to leave, not wanting to alert the person on the other side of the door that he was there; he made it halfway back to the bedroom when he heard the door open.  
"Harry?"  
It was Remus, Harry swore silently under his breath before turning to face him, the glass seemingly weighing tons in his closed hand.  
"Hi Remus, I'm sorry I disturbed you."  
The older man walked forward and studied him, "I was finished anyway, It's rather late to be wandering around, can you not sleep?"  
Harry shrugged, he can't sleep. But he be damned if he was to admit it, Remus didn't need another reason to worry.  
"I'd be getting back to bed soon. We don't want people worrying do we? Goodnight Harry," Remus continued walking past him, "oh and Harry, don't forget Dumbledore wants to talk to you tomorrow."  
Great. Dumbledore. He'd forgotten and he wasn't so stupid as to ignore the concealed warning Lupin sent him. Don't do anything stupid, because he'd be listening.  
Dumbledore sent an owl to Harry earlier today saying that he was coming to the Burrow tomorrow to check on him. Needlessly to say he wasn't looking forward to the meeting. He had already had to meet with Snape to discuss the potions Harry had to take due to his injuries. Snape had been his usual self, it had also been him that had to check on Harry's arms to see if anything at all could be done for the scarring. Now that had been awkward, the professor hadn't said anything whilst examining Harry's arms, and unsurprisingly afterwards he'd informed Lupin that nothing could be done since his scars were self made.  
As this memory surfaced Harry found himself hurrying to the bathroom not wanting to delay his release any longer. After he made sure the door was firmly locked, he sat down on the cold marble floor and pulled up his pyjama leg. He traced the long uneven scars in various stages of healing. Then Sirius popped up in his mind, he knew his Godfather would be horrified, -angry even at what he was doing to himself. But Sirius isn't here; he reminded himself bitterly a numb feeling rising up in his chest. His cutting wasn't just about Sirius now, it was how Harry kept himself sane, it was how he kept his life in control, because everyone else depended on him to be strong, he is their only hope, their light in the ever growing darkness. And everything else in the world is spiralling out of control so fast that he couldn't keep up, even if he tried.  
Taking a deep breath he lowered the glass to an unmarked bit of skin and presses down slowly, before dragging the glass down in a long line. He watched the blood bubble to the surface and then proceed to drip steadily down his leg, he leant back against the door and allowed the relief to overwhelm him.

"Come on, wake up."  
Harry struggled to open his eyes, he can feel someone shaking him, It's Ron.  
"Breakfasts ready Harry, so get dressed and come down," Ron said grinning at him as he tried to untangle himself from the bed sheets. "Ok, I'll be down in a bit."  
Thankfully Ron left him, and Harry sat up surprised when a wave of dizziness hit him, he took several deep breaths to calm down. He was so confused; he stepped onto the cold floor and made his way dizzily over to his trunk to search his trunk for some clean clothes. Perfect. A hoodie, and some baggy pants, which wouldn't aggravate his newest cut. He made his way back over to his bed and took off his pyjama pants carefully, the fabric was stuck to the weeping cut, "shit!" His voice rang out in the quiet room; his leg was covered in blood. Obviously he'd cut deeper than he realised, but he thought he had stemmed the blood flow in the bathroom. Obviously not, he must have knocked it in the night. That's probably why he's feeling so dizzy; he looked back down at his leg, there was a lot of dried blood. Licking the sleeve of his pyjama top, he rubbed it across the offending skin careful not to scrape the still tender cuts.  
Finally satisfied with his work Harry started to get dressed and made his way downstairs, where he took a place at the table as quietly as possible, next to Tonks.  
"Harry, don't forget Dumbledore should be here in about an hour," Mrs Weasley called from the other end of the table where she was sat next to Lupin who looked as though he got as much sleep as Harry. He gave him a small smile and then turned his attention to breakfast, there were racks of toast scattered on the table, most of them empty however Harry manages to retrieve two relatively warm pieces.  
"How're you feeling?" Tonks said, to the side of him.  
Harry swallowed quickly feeling the toast scratch his throat, "I'm fine," he replied hoarsely, his eyes watering. Great, now she would think he was upset.  
"Remus told me you couldn't sleep last night." She stated her eyes boring into him, he looked back as innocently as possible, to look down would prove to her he had something to hide.  
"Yeah, I dunno I just wasn't tired." He smiled.  
She stared at him, before looking down, "Harry, you know what Dumbledore has come to you to discuss?"  
Harry looked around the table, making sure that everyone was still involved in their own conversations, "Um yeah, he wants to discuss what happened with my Aunt and Uncle." He hesitated at the look on Tonks face, "doesn't he?"  
"Well he wants to discuss _all_ the events of the summer."  
Harry didn't like the emphasis she put on the all. "What do you mean," he demanded slightly angry.  
"He wants to discuss with you, how your getting on you know, with getting better," she cleared he throat ignoring Harry's glare, "he wants to talk to you about your self halm."  
Great.  
This is just what he needed, more people asking him.  
"But, I'm fine," he said quietly.  
"That may be Harry." She answered clearly, looking at him again, "but some of us think that you have made a suspicious miraculous recovery."  
Harry forced himself not to look away, he thanks god that he had the sense not to cut on his wrists. A bubble of panic rose in his chest and he tried to force it down to clear his head, for some reason this type of conversation always made him short of breath, he was unable to gather his thoughts, and was scared that if he tried to answer he would sound incoherent. He could feel his hands balling up into fists, his nails burying into his hand. He focuses on the sharp sting, it will do for now.  
"Why is this still going on? I _told_ you I'm fine!"  
Tonks put her hand on his shoulder, "look Harry maybe this isn't the best place to have this discussion."  
Harry looked around the table; everyone is absorbed in their own conversations their voices drowning out everything him and Tonks have discussed. He can feel himself getting angry again.  
"How do you expect me to get better, if everyone continues reminding me about it?"  
"But Harry, that's exactly my point, you're not getting better."  
Harry glared at her before he shook her hand off him, "I am getting better." He said loudly standing up, "how would you know if I am getting better, you just sit there and assume things about me, you all do. But you don't know anything!"  
Tonks stared at him her dark eyes unreadable, "calm down Harry, this doesn't help anyone."  
"I'm sick of people telling me what to do," he shouted, aware that everyone had gone quiet. "Why can't everyone just back off?" His voice sounded harsh and unrecognisable.  
"Harry?" A deep voice from behind made him spin around.  
Dumbledore.  
Harry swallowed and automatically takes a step back.  
"It seems we have a lot to discuss."

"It seems I owe you an apology Harry," Dumbledore leant forward his eyes solemn, as they take in the boy sitting opposite.  
"Why sir?"  
Dumbledore sighed, "I knew things were bad at Privet Drive, yet I still sent you there."  
"It's not your fault sir, you where trying to protect me." Harry was feeling uncomfortable, last time Dumbledore had spoke to him like this, -it was over the death of Sirius.  
"Yes, but I was willing to sacrifice your happiness for your well being, and that is unforgivable." Dumbledore leant back on the old couch, suddenly looking like an old and frail man. Harry looked at his hands, he didn't truthfully care about why Dumbledore sent him back to the Dursley's. He knew that it was required to keep him safe from Voldermort.  
"Sir? What's going to happen next summer?" Harry asked, still looking at his hands.  
"What do you mean?"  
"It's just, I highly doubt my Uncle will allow me back, and that means that I won't have the protection against Voldermort."  
Harry was sure that he heard Dumbledore sigh, "I'm not sure Harry, but next year you will turn seventeen, this means that you will have lost your mother's protection anyway. But regardless I will never send you back there."  
Harry looked up to see Dumbledore studying him, "Sir? You know those wards you placed around the house, well why did they only go off then, I mean it wasn't the first time I had been beaten at the Dursley's." This was something that had been annoying Harry, why did the wards go off that time? True it was the worst beating he had ever had, but still, that ward was supposed to alert the Order to when he was in trouble, and he had been in trouble all summer long.  
"The wards were only supposed to alert people, when your life was in danger." Dumbledore paused and looked Harry in the eye, " that was another mistake on my part, I knew your Aunt and Uncle were not the caring relatives one had hoped. But I had assumed you would be strong enough to deal with them, I should have known, I should have realised that it would affect you so deeply."  
Harry broke away from the old mans gaze, he felt miserable. People were still blaming themselves.  
"But one question is still haunting me Harry. Why did you not tell anyone, send an owl?"  
Harry squirmed, he did not want to answer that question, how was he supposed to explain that he deserved what happened. That it was his punishment.  
"I didn't wish to worry anybody sir."  
"Harry, forgive me if I don't believe that. You are an intelligent boy, you know that how you was treated isn't right."  
Go away. Please. He just wanted to be left alone.  
"Who was I supposed to tell, Sirius has just died-"  
"Sirius would have wanted you to be happy Harry." Dumbledore interrupted softly, "besides your what matters now Harry."  
"No I don't matter. Sirius is who matters, all the people that have died as a result of me matter." Harry could feel himself getting worked up, but he was just so sick of people telling him that nothing was his fault.  
"None of this is your fault Harry, Sirius's death was_ not_ your fault," Dumbledore stood up and faced away from Harry, "is this why you have been self harming Harry? Because you blame yourself for Sirius's death?"  
Harry glared at the back of Dumbledore's head, "I don't self halm," he said darkly.  
Dumbledore turned around slowly, his eyes had lost all of their twinkle and he knelt down in front of Harry, his hands on his shoulders.  
"The scars on your arm beg to differ." He said calmly his grey eyes boring into Harry's.  
"They're nothing."  
"Harry why do you continue to deny the situation?"  
Harry glared at the professor, "you know nothing about the _situation _sir. You sit there and act like none of this is my fault. When it is. It is my fault!" He shouted his voice full of anger, "you all sit there saying that what I'm doing is wrong, when Sirius is dead. DEAD!"  
"It's not your fault Harry," Dumbledore stood up, his voice calm despite Harry's outburst, he sat back down on the couch opposite him "you need to stop punishing yourself, it's not helping anybody."  
Harry can feel a burning in his throat. Oh great. He's going to cry. "I deserve to be punished." He crossed his arms pulling them against his chest.  
"_No you don't Harry_!" Dumbledore says softly as large teardrops poured down Harry's cheeks. "This is not your fault, Sirius's death wasn't your fault. What happened at your Aunt and Uncles, was not your fault."  
Harry closed his eyes briefly, ignoring his Professor, he just wanted to go to bed, to get away from everybody.  
"Harry, I think it's my place to let you know that everyone has been asked to keep a very close eye on you. You understand that for your sake, I cannot allow your self destructive behaviour to continue."  
"But sir, I'm _fine_." Harry cursed softly as his voice came out whiny. Just how he needed to argue his case, -sounding like a whiny teenager.  
"Look Harry I think we must agree to disagree on this for now, It's obvious we aren't getting anywhere. But I promise you, you will thank me later for the steps I am taking now."  
Harry snorted, somehow he doubted it.  
"I must be going now, and remember Harry, I am just an owl away. I don't care if you feel what you need to say is miniscule, I would like to hear it."  
Harry looked up into the kindly old face and sighed, he felt slightly guilty about the way he had treated Dumbledore, he was only trying to help -they all were.  
Dumbledore gave him a quick pat on the shoulder before he walked out, "Remember Harry, you are surrounded by people who love you dearly."


	8. I will be

_I will be  
_

The garden was so bright, it hurt his eyes. The shouts of Ginny and the twins where echoing in the distance, and Mrs Weasley was bent happily over her flowers, choosing to prune them by hand rather than magic. However the chatter opposite by Ron and Hermione managed to drown out the rest of the people in the garden.  
"Maybe you should apologise Harry?" Hermione said seriously her brown eyes studying him. Ron was sat close to her side.  
He sighed, "She was the one who started on me."  
"Yeah but mate, you did kind of explode on her," Ron said quietly Harry glared at him, who's side was he on anyway?  
They were talking about Harry's argument with Tonks, both of them seemed to think that Harry was in the wrong.  
"She deserved it," he muttered irritably, ignoring Hermione's glare.  
"She only cares about you," she answered sharply.  
Harry glared back, "well she just needs to back off. What I do is nobody's business." He was aware he was being unreasonable, and that did nothing to improve his temper. He started pulling up the grass by his feet, it soothed him, distracted him from the prattling opposite.  
"I think you upset her you know? She left the room as soon as you left with Dumbledore." Ron said distantly watching a garden gnome being chased by Crookshanks.  
"I wasn't that bad..." Harry replied surprised, "besides I'm sure Tonks has faced far worst than a teenage boy shouting at her."  
"I don't think it's just you she's upset about Harry," Hermione said thoughtfully, her eyes followed Crookshanks to, who is weaving in and out the freshly pruned flowers. Mrs Weasley wouldn't be happy, "when she was staying in with me and Gin, I used to hear her crying at night. I mean at first I thought it was Ginny crying about what happened with you-" Hermione flushed as Harry looks at her, he refocused on ripping up the grass, the motions was actually quite relaxing, "but I don't think it was Ginny. I think it was Tonks."  
"What's she got to be upset about?" Ron said curiously, "aside from losing Sirius of course-"  
"Ron!" Hermione exclaimed, sharply nudging him, "don't be so insensitive," she hissed gesturing to Harry.  
Harry meanwhile felt really guilty, he had forgotten that Tonks and Sirius where cousins. And he had been so involved in himself he didn't even notice someone else was hurting. He felt absolutely rotten, she must think him so selfish.  
"You know what?" He says stood up and brushed the little shards of glass off him, "I might go and find Tonks and apologise."

The inside of the Burrow was cool, and offered temporary relief from the sweltering temperatures outside. It was unnaturally quiet as Harry made his was up the stairs, passing by moving photographs of the younger generations of Weasley's, he paused to smile at one of a young Ron and Ginny with their arms wrapped around each other, their grins wide and carefree. He reached the door concealing Tonks room. He nervously knocked twice.  
"Hello?" A soft voice calls from inside.  
Harry hesitated, already regretting his decision to apologise, "It's me, can I -can I come in?"  
There was a long pause, and he was quite tempted to just turn around and leave, but then she answered sounding surprised, "sure."  
Harry pushed against the wooden door and it swung open revealing an untidy room, he hesitated before making his way over to the bed were Tonks was sat.  
"I wanted to apologise, -for earlier," he said quietly, "I was out of order, I didn't mean to shout at you."  
Tonks smiled at him, "you can sit down Harry," she patted the bed next to her and he sat down feeling awkward, "don't worry about before, I shouldn't have made you talk about something you didn't want to."  
"Yeah, but there was still no reason for me to shout at you," he looked down at his hands.  
"Seriously Harry, don't worry about it, I have had worse trust me."  
She couldn't even accept an apology...  
He perched on the end of the bed, wanting to leave now he had done what he came to do. But he knew that would seem rude, he almost laughed. He couldn't believe he was worried in case people think him rude.  
"Tonks? Why aren't you outside, in the sun?" The question slipped out.  
"Oh, I dunno, I guess I don't really feel like it. The sun can get a bit much sometimes, it makes me feel kind of guilty you know, like I should be out doing something constructive."  
"I know how you feel," he answered softly, "It makes me feel selfish." He had no idea why he had just admitted that to Tonks, he could see her looking at him. And a slight pressure on his arm made him glance down, It's Tonks, she'd taken his hand.  
"Harry none of this is your fault and I promise you, you are the least selfish person I know, you have given everyone so much hope. And it's so frustrating that you don't know how much thats worth." Her voice had gone shaky, and Harry resisted the urge to pull his hand away, he didn't like people touching him. But instead he trained his gaze on the wall opposite, "hope," he said bleakly, "at what cost though? At the cost of everyone I love."  
"There are people here that care about you, you just don't realise how much. But you will -one day," he grip tightened on his hand, "no one blames you for anything Harry, and I am pretty sure Sirius wouldn't blame you, It's not you fault."  
"Maybe people should blame me," he argued bitterly, his gaze still on the wall, he didn't wish to look at her, to see the pity and disgust he was sure would be reflected in her eyes, "I'm here surrounded by people who I let die for me, just because I'm not ready to face him yet. Sirius died because I wasn't strong enough!"  
"Harry, you are just a boy, a child still. Everyone knows how much pressure you are under, to much pressure in my opinion. But we'll help you Harry, until the end," she paused, "Is that why you hurt yourself? Because you feel blame?" Her voice was soft, careful and for a moment Harry found himself wanting to tell her about the void inside of him, how empty he felt, how he needs to cut -to remember and to feel some pain of what people that are dying due to him, feels like.  
He looked down at their hands intertwined and felt numb, "there is nothing to tell Tonks, people shouldn't be worried about me, when there are people, -children out there dying."  
He could hear her moving next to him, and suddenly his head was being turned by soft hands which cupped his chin and his eyes met her hazel ones, "Talk to me Harry, you matter just as much as any other person out there. You yourself are important, and yes Harry maybe people do rely on you to much, but people also love you and care about you."  
Harry looked at her, "well don't love and care about me. Everyone I care about ends up dead."  
"I think you need to talk to someone, let them know how your feeling. You never know, it's gotta be better than keeping it all to yourself, hasn't it?"  
Harry didn't answer and she removed her hand from his chin, which allowed him to look away, "Or if you don't want to tell me, what about Remus?"  
"Harry?" She probed gently when he again doesn't answer, "Harry?"  
"I dont want to talk about it Tonks," he felt hot all of a sudden and his hands were going clammy enfolded in hers. He wanted to be back in the garden, with Ron and Hermione who didn't ask awkward questions.  
"Would you feel better if we arranged for you to talk to someone?"  
"No," he was sure of his answer, he did not want to explain to anybody.  
"Harry, do you still cut?"  
He glared at her, this is going to far, "My arms have no recent scars," his voice was cold, "you should know, since you all check them regularly."  
She smiled bitterly, "you know the arms aren't the only place you can inflict damage."  
He looked away. Interfering witch.  
"We know your hurting still Harry about Sirius, but we really need to stop this behaviour."  
"I am trying Tonks, I promise." He's a liar.  
"Are you Harry?"  
"Yes." He answered shortly, removing his hand from hers.  
"I'll see you later, Ron and Hermione will be wondering where I am," he says walking out the room without a backwards glance.


	9. I need your hand to hold

_I need your hand to hold  
_

_A/N - Hey I apologise for taking so much time in-between chapters to post. I've had exams and family stuff going on over the past few weeks, but it's all over now, so I'm free! :)  
I will aim to post a chapter every week, and this one is extra long to apologise to you all. Let me know what you think of the ending, I'm not sure myself but oh well, keep reviewing! It makes my day :)_

__

Uncle Vernon's face was pressed into Harry's, his fingers tight across his throat, cutting off his air supply. His mouth is opening, yet no sound can escape, he can't scream, he can't move, -he is powerless.  
"I will kill you boy," his uncle promised, his fingers tightening and Harry is gasping trying to draw that last piece of breath.  
Then the scene changed and it was Voldermort with his hands around Harry's throat, his fingers cold, whilst the red eyes stared relentlessly into his, he can see his parents in the depths of the eyes, and they are growing bigger, angrier, and the scene again changed. Now it's Sirius, he was standing in the shadows, just beyond Harry's outstretched arms, if he could reach that small bit further, maybe he could save him. Sirus was looking at him his dark accusing, "you let me die!"  
"No Sirius, I-"  
Then Sirius is gone, and it's Cedric's angry face which stared up at him, Harry opened his mouth to say something, anything. But then the scene began to fade, and Harry opened his eyes to see a nervous looking Ron.  
"What-"  
Ron was perched on the edge of Harry's bed, his fingers tight around his shoulders, "Jesus Harry, that was some nightmare, I have been trying to wake you for the last five minutes!"  
Harry stared at him, "Nightmare?"  
"Yeah you were screaming Harry," Ron sounded unnerved and Harry flushed. Three guesses to what he'd been shouting about.  
"Oh right, well..." He trailed off unsure what to say.  
"Well anyway, Mum says were going into town to get our school stuff, and we get to see Fred and George's shop," Ron sounded relatively more cheerful, Harry's nightmare was already forgotten, "so get up and get ready Harry!"  
Ron left and Harry sat up, and rubbed his temples, his dream was still vivid in his mind, and he knew that it would continue to plague him throughout the day, -the faces of his parents, -Sirius just beyond his reach. With this in mind he made his way over to his trunk and found the concealed shard of glass, he crept to the bathroom and locked the door.

"Harry dear have you got your list of school books?" Mrs Weasley asked distractedly as he made his way across the kitchen to sit beside Hermione, "yes Mrs Weasley," he answered politely.  
"Hey Harry," Hermione greeted, her head bried in a book.  
"So when are we leaving?" He asked, grabbing a slice of toast, from across the table.  
"As soon as everyone gets here," Ron replied his mouth full.  
"Everyone?" Harry asked, grinning slightly at the revolted look on Hermione's face as she watched Ron.  
"Well, yeah we will have Order members with us."  
Harry sighed, another day of being watched constantly, "Who exactly is coming then?"  
Hermione tore her gaze away from Ron, "Well you, Ron, me, Ginny, Mrs Weasley and Tonks and Lupin."  
"I can't wait to see Fred and George's shop, apparently it's amazing." Ron said wistfully, "they sent us a sample of their products, it's really good."  
Hermione sniffed disapprovingly.  
"Yes?" Ron said defensively turning to glare at her, Harry bit back a smile, -he knew what was coming.  
"It's just a joke shop isn't exactly a, well, a fulfilling career is it?" Hermione faltered slightly at the look on Ron's face.  
"Well, fulfilling career or not, their still rich." Ron turned, "Mum when are we leaving?"  
"As soon as Tonks and Lupin are ready, are you all sure you have everything, have you all had some breakfast?"  
Harry nodded, and at that moment Tonks walked in, holding three large envelopes. Next to him Hermione let out a loud shriek, "are they are OWL results?", and as Tonks walked closer Harry could make out a Hogwarts label printed on each, Mrs Weasley upon seeing the logo let out a shriek just like Hermione's, and she rushed forward and grabbed Ron's letter, whilst Hermione grabbed hers.  
Tonks walked over to where Harry was sat and placed the letter down on the table next to him, he stared at the large creamy envelope , he was strangely unwilling to open it, -these grades would determine his future. If he had one. He was distantly aware of Ron's bellows of surprise and Hermione's shrieks of delight. He glanced up to see Tonks studying him, she smiled at him, and he looked back down at the envelope and tore it open. He scanned the contents quickly, his heart hammering. He'd done ok. Good even, however he couldn't help a small smile of satisfaction as he saw his potions score, well that was his Auror ambition sorted, if he survived that far. He traced his fingers over the inked lettering.  
"Harry?" He looked up to see Ron and Hermione staring expectantly at him, knowing what they wanted he handed over his letter and received theirs in return, he glanced at both of them without really seeing. His mind was elsewhere.  
"This needs celebrating," Mrs Weasley said happily hugging Hermione, whilst Lupin had appeared and was offering his congratulations to Ron.  
"Pleased?"  
Harry glanced up to see Tonks still watching him.  
"Yeah, I'm -delighted."  
"You don't look delighted," she said bluntly.  
Harry felt annoyed, what was it to her anyway? He opened his mouth to respond but was engulfed into a hug.  
"Congratulations Harry," Mrs Weasley said.  
"Thank you," he said softly his eyes still on Tonks, who's gaze was now trained on the table.

"Hurry up boys," Mrs Weasley called over her shoulder at Ron and Harry who where a fair way behind, she was walking down the crowded street scanning the shopping list in her hand. Hermione and Ginny was walking in front, heads together giggling, whilst Lupin and Tonks lagged behind the group deep in conversation.  
"When are we stopping at Fred and George's shop?" Harry asked Ron, trying not to bump into any of the weary looking last minute shoppers.  
"Umm, I think last, after Mum has got everything she needs," he nodded towards Mrs Weasley who had stopped in front, and was watching them slowly approach with an angry look on her face, "we haven't got all day!"  
"Tonks? Lupin? I think we should split up if that's ok? Get the shopping done faster?"  
Tonks looked apprehensive, "I'm not sure Molly, I think it would be best to stick together."  
Lupin scanned the crowds, "safety in numbers?" He asked Mrs Weasley, who looked flustered clearly torn between a desire to get the shopping done quickly, and to stay as a group.  
She glanced at her watch again and seemed to make a decision, "no, I want to be home for tea. We'll split up into two groups. Lupin you come with Ginny, Hermione and I and boys stay with Tonks." She fixed Harry and Ron with a stern look, "I mean it, no messing about you two! I will see you at Fred and George's shop in exactly, half an hour. That should give us plenty of time." She handed a relatively short shopping list to Tonks and walked over to where Hermione and Ginny where stood.  
Ron turned to look at Tonks, "where we off to first?"  
Tonks scanned the list, "We'll pick up your new robes first, and then pick ur your school books, which you two will carry." She added, eyeing the long list of books.  
Tonks was a really fast walker, Harry realised as she strode through the crowds of people, she had that kind of presence were people immediately parted and respected your space, and Harry and Ron found it rather difficult to keep up. Harry wished he had the same authority as Tonks, it was rather tiring to have to push his way through people. The very people, who once they realised who Harry was -seemed to close in around him. It was a good thing he had Ron by his side who propelled him forward.  
They finally stopped in front of Madam Malkin's, 'Robe Fitter'. Tonks informed them both that she would be waiting outside, "after all, you don't need a babysitter."

Harry was leant against the cold banister of the Burrow, his head in his hands, which where massaging his slightly throbbing temples. The music from the congratulatory party was making his head spin, -it was so loud, courtesy of Ron and the Twins. The emptiness of the hallway was welcome after the stifling atmosphere of the Kitchen, it had been a long night, too many people asking him what grades he had got, and what he hoped to do with his future. It wore him down.  
"Harry, is that you?"  
Great. It was Tonks, why couldn't they just leave him alone for five minutes?  
"Why are you sitting out here?"  
She sounded amused. Haha, hilarious.  
"Because I want to be alone for a while," he mumbled into his hands, hoping that she would get the message. Sadly she didn't.  
"Come on Harry, come back inside people want to talk to you."  
"I've got a headache." His answers where clipped and short.  
"Well, Molly wants you to come back in, because this party was for you," Harry looked up, startled to see her standing so close, her hair was Blonde for the occasion, it made her look different, -younger.  
"I never asked for a party," the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, he immediately felt guilty. Everyone had gone to so much trouble for tonight, and he couldn't even pretend to enjoy it.  
"I'm sorry, I never meant that," he said softly standing up and walking past her, not stopping to say whether she followed, as he approached the closed kitchen door, the music grew louder, he opened the door slowly, and spotted Ron in the corner with Hermione and a couple of empty Butterbeer bottles lay around them. He went and sat on a beaten looking couch, cringing as the music rebounded around his head.  
"Hi Harry," Ginny sat down on the couch next to him, he smiled at her, genuinely pleased.  
"Enjoying the party?"  
He smiled, "yeah it's been fun, bit tired now though."  
She smirked, "It's half eleven Harry, and your all worn out, has the excitement been to much for you?"  
He mock-glared at her, "Isn't it past your bed time?"  
She winked at him, her eyes shining, "I think I can handle it, unlike some people I know..."  
He nudged her with his shoulder, "I can handle late nights Gin."  
She nudged him back, harder. "Yep, I can see that, the yawning must be due to the fact that your wide awake."  
"Of course."  
He laughed, aware that she was blushing, "Gin are you feeling ok, you look a bit red?"  
She glared at him holding one pale hand up to her cheek, "I'm fine, this rooms a bit hot."  
He laughed again, it was so easy to tease her, she was like a sister to him.  
"Maybe you should step outside?"  
"Yeah maybe," she whispered, and he couldn't do anything except watch, as she placed a hand on his cheek, and leant in, he closed his eyes as her mouth met his, it was very soft, and almost immediately, something big, red, angry and well -Ron like popped into his head. He opened his eyes and grabbed her arms, which were now trying to circle around his neck, "Ginny, don't, please, -just don't."  
He stood up, "I'm sorry Gin," he said, ignoring the small twinge of guilt in his heart when he caught sight of her bewildered face as he stumbled away into the crowd of people.  
"Harry?" Someone grabbed his shoulder, and he turned around to see Ron standing, there, he gulped sure that Ron's big brotherly instincts were going to kick in. "Ron, I couldn't help it mate, seriously I didn't know she was going to do it!"  
Ron stared at him, and Harry considered making a run for it.  
"What are you talking about? I've managed to steal some firewhisky, come on lets go."  
Needless to say, Harry couldn't remember much of the remainder of that night.

Eugh.  
He was never going to drink again.  
Not a drop of alcohol.  
Ever.  
It wasn't worth it, he was in bed and his head felt like it was being hacked at, by a Sledge hammer, no. Two sledge hammers. He groaned, and attempted to open one eye. Big mistake, the light pierced his skull, he moaned again and buried deeper down into the relative comfort of his bed, finally it was peaceful. Except for someone giggling close by, he winced and tried to sit up.  
"Hermione?" He croaked, hoping that whoever it was they would provide some pain relief. Whether in the form of a spell or muggle remedies he didn't really care.  
"Here, drink this," a cold glass was placed in his hands and he attempted again to open his eyes, it was Hermione beside his bed looking irritatingly amused. He glared at her whilst raising the glass to his lips and drinking thirstily. The water soothed his parched throat.  
"Drink it all up Harry, you need to get the alcohol out of his system," she still sounded annoyingly cheerful.  
"Can't you go irritate Ron or something?" He asked her moodily.  
"You're the only one who's awake," she smiled. And sure enough Ron, was still asleep in his bed across the room. And he was still dressed Harry noticed, as his one of Ron's legs hung out of the bed. He was still in the jeans he was wearing from last night, and when Harry glanced down, he saw that he was still in his clothes.  
"Hermione? Why am I still dressed?"  
She didn't look amused at this, "well since you and Ron were passed out on the floor, Lupin had enough trouble getting you into bed let alone changing you in to pyjamas."  
Harry stared at her, they hadn't drank that much had they, he was trying to calculate it in his mind but it was all blurry, he couldn't concentrate. "Lupin found us?"  
"He thought you'd both been murdered."  
Crap.  
"It was so thoughtless of you and Ron, with everything going on with you-know-who and all, no one needs the added worry of you and Ron. All Lupin wanted to do was to check you were ok, and say good night..."  
He hung his head ashamed, it was only supposed to be a laugh, they hadn't considered their actions.  
"You feel bad now? Wait until Mrs Weasley is finished with you," she sounded amused again, and Harry groaned imagining her reaction last night, and for the first time he was glad he couldn't remember it.  
"Harry?" Hermione asked somewhat nervously, "look you can tell me if it's none of my buisness, but what happened with you and Gin last night?"  
Harry swallowed nervously, he'd forgotten that particular aspect, "Truthfully, I'm not really sure," he looked down at his hands, he could feel himself going red, now slightly ashamed of how abrupt he was with her, "I mean one minute we were talking, and the next she was kissing me! What on earth was I supposed to do, I think of her as a sister!"  
Hermione stared at him, "well did you tell her that? That you like her as a friend?"  
Harry could feel himself going even redder, "well not really no, hey I was shocked." He said defensively when Hermione opened her mouth, "I didn't know what on earth to do, so I just got away."  
"You left her sitting there!"  
Harry glared at Hermione, he knew his reaction to the harmless kiss had been, well honestly not the best. But that was no reason for his best friend to point it out.  
"I realise that, look I'll find her today and explain."  
Hermione sniffed, "yes well try some sensitivity!"  
Harry rolled his eyes, "yes Hermione."  
"Harry?" She asked quietly, "I honestly don't understand you sometimes."  
Harry glared at her, "look I'll apologise to Ginny today, no harm done, ok?"  
"No, I mean I don't understand why you drunk so much last night."  
He groaned, good god, that girl tried his patience at times, "We've been through this Hermione, it was a mistake a stupid thoughtless mistake."  
"That's not what I meant," she paused struggling to find the right words, Harry decided to help her along, "well? What did you mean then?"  
"It's just, I know that everyone's worried about you, and you hate that. You hate worrying them, right? And I'm not stupid Harry," she paused and took his hand, "your my best friend, I see it in your eyes -the resentment. You hate being treated like a reckless child, and then," she sighed loudly, "then you go and pull a stunt like last night, which proves to everyone that you need to be watched. I'd expect this off Ron, not you."  
Harry stared at her for a moment, he was surprised. He had no idea that she had been observing him so closely. He opened his mouth to speak, what he was to say he has no idea, but it didn't matter. Since he was interrupted by a sleepy, "Mione?" From the bed opposite.

He could hear a loud babble of voices behind the closed kitchen door, in which he and Ron were stood in front, trying to pluck up the courage to step inside. He swallowed nervously, he did not wish to face Mrs Weasley in such a painful stage of his hangover.  
"Harry?" Ron's voice sounded much higher pitched than usual, and as Harry turned to look at Ron's ashen face, -he had to bite back a smile.  
"Y'know Harry, I think you should go in first."  
Harry's urge to laugh vanished.  
He glared at Ron, " and how did you work that one out?"  
Ron gulped, "she loves you Harry, you'll soften her up a bit."  
"No way," he took a step back, "she's your mum."  
He groaned, "precisely."  
A loud crashing from the stairs made both boys turn around, Tonks was approaching them an amused look on her face. Harry immediately went red remembering their last conversation, and how abruptly he left.  
"Are you two planning on spending all day out here?"  
Ron muttered something that sounded vaguely like, "gonna get murdered."  
Tonks studied them, and her gaze lingered a moment longer on Harry, "I know Molly's not best pleased with you both."  
Great.  
"Have you seen her?" Ron asked.  
"I saw her last night, Lupin shouted for us to come up to your room, and well when Molly saw you..." Tonks let the sentence trail off, "I don't think you need to know the exact details."  
"Fabulous," Ron croaked.  
"Come one, isn't it best to get it over with?" She asked walking forward, she placed a warm hand on Harry's shoulder and gently nudged him forward.  
"It's ok," she murmured to Harry sounding amused when he wouldn't move, "I can't," he pleaded turning around to face her, whilst Ron put a comforting hand on his arm, "everything she's done for me, and I behaved like an idiot."  
"It wasn't just you Harry," Ron sounded awkward.  
"Ron's right Harry, your teenagers, I got up to a lot worse at your age trust me," Tonks stepped forward and took Harry's hand and led him over to the door, and he took a deep breath as she walked in, and he had to follow as she had tight hold of his hand.  
Harry cursed under his breathe, nearly the entire house occupants were around the table, and they were all watching Harry and Ron silently. Harry could see Lupin and Ginny in the crowd, but having no wish to meet any of their eyes, he kept his gaze on the table.  
"Well boys, I'm glad you are finally up," Mrs Weasley said behind them, and Harry turned to see Ron regarding his mother with a mixture of horror and anticipation on his face.  
"No matter that you've wasted half the day in bed, but I imagine your not feeling to well, eh?" Harry shrugged not trusting himself to speak, he felt Tonks give his hand a slight squeeze before letting go and taking a place at the table, he suddenly felt a lot more vulnerable.  
"So, WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU TWO THINKING?"  
Harry glanced up startled his headache suddenly felt a lot stronger, as Ron made a kind of choking noise to his left.  
"We didn't realise it would be so strong," Ron said quietly, "we've never had it before."  
"I SHOULD THINK NOT! Since you are both still under-age, and Harry in your condition you shouldn't even be drinking Butterbeer, let alone Fire-whisky."  
Harry could feel himself going red, he could hear muffled giggles coming from the table, he imagined that it was Hermione and Ginny, and he wished they would shut up. They certainly weren't helping matters.  
"You were both irresponsible, and I am both disgusted and disapointed with the pair of you. There is a war going on, and a pair of silly little boys are getting drunk in their bedroom," Mrs Weasley's voice rose to a shriek at the end of her sentence and Harry could not help but wince. "Now I suggest you apologise to everyone at this table for last night!"  
"Sorry," Ron muttered.  
"Yeah, sorry."

"Well I think it could have gone a lot worse."  
Harry looked at Ron with vague amusement, "Worse? Please tell me your not serious."  
Ron grinned at him, "trust me Harry you haven't seen mum in full blown attack mode, that was her being nice!"  
"Well I personally think she was to soft on the pair of you!" Hermione muttered darkly from the large book she was reading.  
Harry regarded her with amusement, "Hermione is that homework?"  
Ron laughed, but stopped immediately as Hermione sent him a scowl before turning to Harry, "so what if it is? At least I'm not going to be panicking on the day before we return to school, you've got three days until we return! Have either of you actually attempted any homework yet?"  
"Oh lighten up Hermione, It's summer! Summer is a time for fun and-"  
"sitting around?" Hermione interrupted pointedly, glaring at them both.  
"Exactly," said Ron happily lying back on the grass, and Harry looked up into the clear sky, It was to hot however, and Harry was sweltering under the jumper and Jeans he had on, he would lover dearly to throw on a pair of shorts. But it was way to risky, someone would be more than likely to see the purple scars on his thighs.  
"Do you fancy a game of Quidditch Harry?" Ron asked.  
Harry smiled, "yeah sure. Oh actually I think your Mum said I wasn't to play Quidditch, because of my injuries."  
"Yeah, but that was like a Month ago now, I'll go and ask her I'm sure it will be fine."  
Ron got to his feet brushing off the insects that dared to invade his personal space, "be back in a second."  
"Ron! What about your homework?" Hermione shouted after him, muttering when she didn't get a response.  
Harry grinned at her, and then lay back on the overgrown grass. It was so peaceful in the garden, and he could feel the sun warming his face, in fact it was making him feel rather sleepy...

He woke up to something nudging him in the ribs, "Come on Harry mum says it's ok for you to play!"  
It was Ron, and he was nudging him with his foot, he winced his ribs were still kind of tender, and he certainly did not appreciate someone poking them.  
Another voice joined in, "she also said to make sure he takes it easy."  
Harry turned to see Tonks, she smiled at him, "hope you don't mind another player?"  
"We could go on teams," Ron said, "Harry and I, against Tonks and Herm-"  
"No way," Hermione interrupted bluntly, whilst Ron scowled at her.  
"Well I suppose we don't have to go in teams," Ron said.  
"What about Ginny?" Tonks asked, whilst Harry shot a startled look at Hermione, he wasn't ready to talk to her yet.  
"Ok, GINNY!" Ron shouted down the garden, in which a few seconds later, a certain red headed girl came running up, she looked at the four of them stood there, and blushed deep crimson when she spotted Harry, he gave her a small smile.  
"Do you fancy being on my team for a game of Quidditch?" Tonks asked brightly.  
"Yeah sure, why don't I go and get the brooms?" Ginny said quickly, "Hermione come with me?"  
Hermione shot a look at Harry, "I'm not sure where the brooms are Gin, why can't Harry go with you?"  
Harry glared at Hermione, and turned to Ginny, "I only know where my broom is."  
Tonks laughed, "you know for and intelligent bunch of kids you can be incredibly stupid at times," she held her wand out, "accio brooms."  
"The rules will be, like a seeker in a match, -we have to regain possession of a ball, and keep it within our sides possession." Tonks said taking charge, she looked around the cluttered garden, and walked over to a clump of bushes. She pulled out an old tennis ball.  
"This will do," she said, whilst enchanting the ball to move in the air, Harry watched it zoom about his head.  
"The brooms are here!" Ginny cried out, as Harry turned his head he saw four brooms zooming towards them, spying his firebolt he held out his hand to retrieve it.  
He looked down at his broom with a sad smile, it's been so long since he had flown, since he wasn't allowed to play Quidditch last year due to Umbridge.  
"Hurry up," Ron called already in the air, whilst Tonks and Ginny were scanning the area whilst they flew higher and higher. He looked down and placed a leg over his broom, and then he to was in the air, and the breeze was reviving him as he soared higher relishing the freedom. In fact it was making him feel rather light headed, he had not done anything physical for a while now and it was kind of draining him.  
"Harry, i've got it!" Ron shouted from somewhere below, and Harry got a shock as he glanced down, he had travelled much higher than intended. He swooped down, as Ron threw the tennis ball it soared through the air, and out of the corner of his eye he could see Ginny coming nearer and nearer with her hand out-stretched, urging his broom on he lent down flattening himself against the wind as the tennis ball drew nearer, and then he had it, and swerved to avoid Ginny, grinning he made a circle of the house on his broom, he could hear someone behind him, and when he glanced back he could see Tonks, she winked at him, "come on Harry, give me the ball!"  
He grinned at her, before letting out a huge yawn. His energy levels were so crap.  
A loud shout from behind him made him turn around, It was Ron, he wanted Harry to pass the ball. Harry swerved back and made a sharp downwards turn, and launched the tennis ball towards Ron, groaning as Ginny appeared out of nowhere and grabbed the ball.  
"Well done Ron!" He called laughing as Ron stuck a finger up at him in return. He looked around, and decided that rather than follow Ginny, it might be easier to mark Tonks, turning around he blocked her movements with his broom, she swore at him.  
"Come on, give me a break!" She said, as her movement downwards was blocked by Harry.  
He laughed, as Tonks made yet another effort to evade him but failed.  
She muttered darkly under her breath, "Merlin! They told me you are a good Quidditch player... But this is ridiculous."  
"Well what can I say, something tells me that your going to lose this game!"  
She laughed, "yeah well who has possession of the ball eh?"  
He turned around to see Ginny throw the ball, and he sped forward with a shout over his shoulder.  
"The ball is in our possession now!"  
He could see Tonks out of the corner of his eye reaching out for the ball, so he reached his hand out, just a little further, and he had it, but his grip was slackening on his broom, he looked down. If he fell now he would be in trouble. But he was feeling so weak, and he couldn't hold on.  
"Tonks!" He cried, before he let go and then he was hurtling towards the ground, his body somersaulting in the air, and the ground was drawing closer.  
He shut his eyes.  
Something grabbed his arm, he looked up it was Tonks she had one hand on the broom the other tight around him, if she didn't let go of him they would both hit the ground her broom was plummeting downwards. He struggled in her grasp.  
"Let go!"  
He struggled even harder, not wanting to cause her any injury.  
"Stop it Harry," she shouted as her hands began to slip, he looked down the ground was hurtling closer.  
He squirmed harder, "don't!" he screamed at her as she lent over her spiralling broom to grab him.  
"TONKS!"  
Her eyes were wide and panicked, as she tried to heave him up. One more tug and he lay slumped across the front of her broom.  
"Come on Harry, try!" She cried out, she pulled him up into a sitting and then they were moving away from the ground her arms wrapped tight around his waist, the panicked shouts of the Weasley's and Hermione were echoing in his ears. He could feel her ragged breathing, as she held on tighter.  
"What where you thinking, you could have died!" She said shakily as they landed on the ground, Harry didn't answer but he just slithered off the broom, and lay back in the grass, as Hermione came running over, she pulled him into a tight hug.  
"I told you it was a bad idea!" She shrieked as Ron came stumbling over and Harry winced, she would give him a headache if her wasn't careful, "he's not strong enough yet!"  
"Are you ok?" Ron asked, once Hermione finally released him.  
"What happened, one minute you had the ball, and then you were off your broom?"  
Harry took a deep breath, he was shaking, "I'm fine, and I don't truthfully know. I just slipped..."  
Hermione gave a loud sniff, and Harry gave her a reassuring smile.  
"I'm fine honestly."  
Tonks sat down on the grass next to him, and he noticed that her face was pale, "sorry Tonks."  
She turned to look at him, and gave him a small smile, "don't worry about it, I'm just pleased your not hurt."

"I've got some news for you all," Lupin announced that night at dinner.  
"As some of you know, Dumbledore has asked for several members of the Order to be staying at Hogwarts this year, including myself and Nymphadora. But Dumbledore has also on top of this asked me to take up the Defence Against The Dark Arts post."  
"That's great!" Hermione smiled, whilst Ron and Harry clapped, Lupin was by far the best Defence teacher they have had in their 5 years at Hogwarts.  
"Thank you," Lupin smiled at them, Harry grinned back, he knew that Lupin enjoyed teaching and god knows, no one needed good luck right now more than Lupin.  
Harry turned to Tonks, "so your coming to Hogwarts with us?"  
Tonks rolled her eyes, "I guess, though I probably won't see you when we arrive. I'm on guard duty-." She grimaced at him, he couldn't help but laugh.  
"-Again." She pulled a face whilst Lupin frowned at her.  
"You'll be able to keep an eye on the boys then," Mrs Weasley said, eyeing the now shifty looking Harry and Ron. "Make sure they don't put another toe out of line!"  
He wasn't sure he was entirely comfortable with the fact that Lupin would be at Hogwarts with him, Harry was finding that he was cutting deeper and deeper, and Lupin was much to perceptive for his own good. Just before dinner, Harry was still shaken from the accident, and he felt immensely guilty for placing Tonks in such danger that he took the glass to the leg again. But the glass kind of splintered, -he guessed he was pressing to hard. But this left the cut a lot deeper than intended, and it took ten long minutes to stem the bleeding, and he was still unsure as to whether he had glass in his cut. It also left his cutting instrument quite jagged and rough, not altogether suitable.  
"You excited for Hogwarts Harry?" Lupin interrupted his thoughts, "after all, you've only got three days till you return!"  
"Yeah, it'll be nice to see everyone again," he smiled, and regain some sense of normality!  
"Oh on the subject of Hogwarts, Dumbledore sent me a message last night for you Harry," Lupin paused, "he wants me to inform you that you will be continuing with your occlumency lessons with Snape."  
Harry was furious.  
"Why?" He ignored the startled and sympathetic looks of Ron and Hermione, "Dumbledore said last term that Voldermort wouldn't try and possess me again!"  
Lupin observed him, "I don't know Harry, you'll have to take it out with Dumbledore, but my guess is, your recent injuries have left your mind particularly vulnerable, not to mention the fact that your mind hasn't been in a very good place, Voldermort will thrive off that at the moment Harry."  
Harry scowled, "well why can't you teach me it, or Dumbledore? Snape hates me!"  
"Snape is the best occlumens, Harry."  
Whatever...  
He glared at the table, that information had just killed his enthusiasm for returning to the school. He needed to be alone for a bit, pushing his chair back and standing up he said, "I'm going to bed, I'll see you all tomorrow."

He made his way up to his shared room and threw himself on his bed, screwing his face up against the onslaught of memories from last years lessons, with his most hated professor. He groaned, Dumbledore knew that he and Snape didn't get on in lessons, so why force them to spend evenings together, alone!  
He punched his pillow, it's so damn unfair.  
A quiet knock on the door made him glance up, "come in."  
The door opened slowly and a nervous looking Tonks stepped in, "can I come in Harry?"  
"Yeah," he sat up and smoothed the blankets down, she sat down next to him and turned to look at him.  
"I just wanted to see you were ok?" She said quietly, and he smiled softly.  
"I'm fine, I just got a bit annoyed," he replied also quietly.  
She put an arm around his shoulders, and smiled at him. He felt a bit funny when she did that and it kind of reminded him of how he felt when he was with Cho, not altogether sure whether that was a good thing, -he smiled back.  
"Don't forget, Remus and I will be at Hogwarts this year. So your not on your own, if you ever need anyone to talk to. About anything, I'm here, ok?"  
"Yeah thanks," he turned to face her, she was looking at him, and as he met her gaze she blushed and glanced down.  
"Can I ask you a question Harry?"  
He nodded, still watching her.  
"Why did you struggle so hard, when I caught you?" She said the words quietly, and he had to lean forward slightly to hear her.  
"I didn't want you to get hurt as well."  
She glanced up and met his gaze, an almost angry look on her face, "Harry you could of died!"  
"Yes, maybe," he knew he didn't sound particularly bothered about this, but that was the truth. He would much rather he be hurt than Tonks.  
"I wouldn't have been able to stand it if you had been hurt," he said softly.  
She looked surprised, "but what if you'd of been hurt Harry? How would that have made me feel knowing that I wasn't strong enough to save you?"  
She paused studying him, "I'm sorry, you just really scared me back there."  
"i didn't mean to, I was just trying to keep you safe," he mumbled.  
Tonks sighed loudly, "Harry, it is our job to keep you safe!"  
He dropped his gaze, and then soft hands cupped his chin, and forced his head back up.  
"I don't need to be kept safe," he whispered, whilst looking into her eyes.  
He'd never really noticed how golden her eyes were, and the faint dusting of freckles scattered across her nose.  
"You do Harry," she whispered back, her eyes looking into his.

He lent forward, not really thinking about his actions, and when his mouth met hers, he circled his hands around her waist and she pulled him closer.  
She was kissing him back.


	10. What if it makes you sad?

_Thanks for all the reviews, I'm really sorry it takes me so long to update. But I have no idea where this story will lead. I have an idea that they will eventually end up together, but that needs to also go hand in hand with Harry's recovery. :)_

"Stop!" Tonks's voice rang out, louder than usual in the still bedroom. She gently pushed him back, as he lent back in to carry on, "don't Harry."  
He pulled back, and studied her, she had gone eerily pale and her hair had darkened to almost black. "Are you... Ok?" He asked slowly watching as she turned to face him, and drew her knees up to her chest, as though to create a barrier between them. That was a really stupid question he thought as she looked away again...  
She looked up and met his eyes, she seemed to be searching for something. Whatever she was looking for, she seemed to find as she flinched before glancing down.  
"That should not have happened." Her voice was quiet.  
"A lot of things should never happen Tonks, that doesn't mean it's wrong."  
"But it is wrong Harry, don't you understand? Your just a boy."  
He glared at her, "Don't act like I did something completely awful. _You _kissed me back remember?"  
"That was wrong of me..."  
"So basically your saying you made a mistake?" He was hurt, however his voice was flat and cold.  
"Yes! -No, your... Harry please!"  
"You don't like me." He stated quietly, it was an obvious fact, cold and hard.  
"Of course I do," she replied. "But, I should never have kissed you..." Her voice tailed off.  
He had to try, "but I wanted you to and I don't regret what happened, I... I think i love y-"  
"Don't!" Her voice cut across his, "it's just a crush Harry, you have a crush. And after everything you've been through, It's only natural for you to form strong bonds to people that have cared for you, what's just happened was no one's fault. The situation is delicate." She was rambling, and Harry wondered who she was trying to convince. He chose not to reply, he wouldn't say the correct thing, so instead he chose to observe her. She was fiddling with the sleeves of her jumper, and appeared flustered. He couldn't remember a time when she wasn't completely in control, and it scared him slightly.  
"Harry?"  
She was looking at him again, and he still didn't answer, he felt slightly dazed. Everything was unravelling and he didn't think it was within his power to fix. And he felt hurt, she had pushed him away, he wasn't good enough.  
"Please, just talk to me," her voice was high, and it broke off at the end of her sentence, "I'm really sorry." Why was she apologising?  
"Don't be sorry Tonks," he said softly.  
"I took advantage of you Harry, your just a boy, your so young!" Her voice was growing louder and more and more horrified, this only confirmed Harry's fears.  
She found him repulsive. She regretted kissing him, and it hurt like hell.  
"Have you ever had someone tell you your to young, or that their to old for you? I don't care about that, I am not just a _boy _and you know it. I'm old enough to know how i feel!" He said angrily, whilst Tonks flinched at Harry's words.  
"They could have my wand for this, your... Your Harry Potter for gods sake! When Molly finds ou- Remus! What's Remus going to think of me?" She started crying then, and Harry watched her distantly, he wanted to move to comfort her, but something inside him was breaking. And he couldn't move in fear of falling apart.  
"Can you forgive me? I'm so so sorry Harry," she gulped through her tears.  
"There is nothing to forgive, you didn't harm me," his voice was wooden, -lifeless. "I won't tell anyone."  
She looked up at him, tears still running down her face, "you should Harry."  
"I'm not, it's nothing to do with anybody else."  
"I promise you, it won't happen again," her voice was pleading, wanting something from him. He turned away as she got up to leave, "Harry, will you promise me something?"  
He shrugged, he was full of promises.  
"Promise me you won't hurt yourself Harry, please?" Her voice was quiet, and Harry gave another shrug. Some promises are made to be broken.  
"I'm sorry Harry," she whispered before leaving, he sat on the bed not moving staring at the blank wall.

The long gash in his leg would not stop bleeding, the crimson blood was streaming steadily down his leg, and onto the tiled bathroom floor. His pyjama bottoms were now stained bright red, but he could not bring himself to care. He didn't feel any pain, he was completely numb and he had cut deeper in an attempt to feel something. He placed his hand over the wound trying half heartedly to stop the blood flow, his body felt heavier than usual -like everything cost him more effort and the blood was still seeping through his fingers. And everything was going blurry around the edges, and his vision was fading...


	11. Why?

Remus paused outside the bathroom door, an anxious feeling in his stomach that he couldn't quite explain, -something wasn't right with the teenage boy behind the locked bathroom door. Harry had been in the bathroom now for over 15 minutes and Remus was getting more worried as time went on. Harry hadn't been ok at dinner, he could see in in the boys eyes. -Hell, Harry hadn't been ok for months, but Remus had hoped that the news of Tonks and him returning to Hogwarts would cheer him up. And on the subject of Tonks, Remus gave a slight shudder. She had burst into his room 20 minutes ago obviously hysterical, embarrassing both of them. She had demanded to know yet again, why Remus did not return her feelings. She just didn't get it, she deserved someone young and worthy, he had tried to explain this to her. But when he told her that she deserved someone young, she had run out with a rather horrified look in her eyes.

Remus paused his pacing again, as he strained to hear any sign of life from behind the locked door. He finally decided that enough was enough and knocked on the door, "Harry?" He whispered his ear pressed to the door, however when no reply was forthcoming, he pulled out his wand, he hated to do this. He wasn't stupid, he knew exactly how Harry was feeling, and he also knew that Harry would resent his privacy being infringed like this. Merlin knows, Remus himself had hated it at school -the constant prying of his friends, his parents, his teachers… Remus unlocked the door with a quick spell, and it swung open silently.

"Lumos," Remus muttered when he saw how dark the room was, the light flared up illuminating the shadowed corners. He saw the crumpled figure on the floor, and was by Harry's side within seconds. Remus knelt down beside Harry, not noticing the blood which stained his pants, he muttered diagnostic spells whilst cupping Harry's face with his hands, trying to alert the boy into consciousness. "Come on Harry," Remus whispered, and then cursed when he saw the deep scars on the boys legs. When he realised that he could not heal the scars, and Harry was losing way to much blood. This was when Remus started to seriously panic, he took off his jacket and wrapped it around his leg, alarmed to see the blood start to seep through almost immediately. With fumbling fingers, he held two finders up to Harry's startlingly pale neck. A pulse was there, it was alarmingly faint, but there. "Help!" Remus shouted his voice cracking, "somebody, help. Please!" He cradled the boy in his arms, and wiped away the teardrops that fell onto the jet black hair. "I need help," he sobbed, "I'm losing him."

Tonks lay face down in her bed, her face buried in the large pillow which muffled her sobs. She had made such a fool of herself in front of Remus, she doesn't know what she was thinking. No actually that is a lie, she knew exactly what she was thinking, -Harry Potter. She sat up on the bed, wiping her tears away with the backs of her hands. "Stop this now Tonks!" She chastised herself, she sighed when she stood up and caught a glance of her reflection in the large mirror opposite. She'd messed things up, she knew that. She also knew that she ought to go and tell Molly what had happened, but she couldn't quite bring herself to do it. But it's ok, she's keeping this quiet for Harry's sake… isn't she? He's to fragile to handle anything going wrong right now, and Tonks cared for the boy more than she wished to admit right now. A hysterical voice from the hall interrupted her thinking, "help… please…" Tonks paused, straining to hear more, not sure whether this was a prank or not. But a feeling in her stomach told her this was serious, it was something to do with the tone of that voice."Losing…him…"Now sure that this was not a practical joke, she knew that only one person could create this level of panic in someone's voice. It was the same person that she's been thinking about for the last fifteen minutes. She hurried out into the hallway, and saw the bathroom door open. She could hear sobs from inside, and she crept closer to the bathroom not aware of the fact she was holding her breath. The scene that greeted her however, forced the breath out of her lungs with a loud 'whoosh' noise."Remus?" Was that her voice? It sounded small, it belonged to someone younger and more weaker than was huddled in the corner his wand was still lit, but now it lay discarded on the blood stained floor."Get help Tonks." She stared at him, why did he sound so vacant?"TONKS!" His voice was louder, "What is wrong with you? Get help NOW…" But she couldn't move, he had promised. She had made him promise before she left that he wouldn't do anything stupid, and now he was probably dead. "Molly!" She screamed hysterically, "Arthur? It's Harry- help… someone- PLEASE!"

Molly Weasley was cleaning up downstairs, and she was frowning at the particularly stubborn oven, who refused to shine, no matter how many different cleaning spells she used. Ignoring the sniggering which came from the vague direction of the kitchen table, she gave a particularly irritated sigh. "Just give It a rest Mum, nobody cares what the house looks like," Ron moaned as her half-heartedly scrubbed the table.

"I care, and so should you Ronald Weasley!" Molly snarled, as she shot another glare at the oven. Ron opened his mouth to respond, but stopped abruptly as panicked voices broke out upstairs. The occupants of the kitchen which consisted of Mrs Weasley, the twins, Ron, Hermione and Ginny exchanged confused glances, before Harry's name was heard within a strangled scream. -Then half of the people where rushing towards the door, Ron however was first up the darks stairs with his mother following closely behind. But he stopped as he reached the bathroom door, from which he could hear crying coming from. With a sinking feeling in his stomach he stepped in to see his best friend in Remus's arms, covered in a lot of blood. But then he was pushed aside by Mrs Weasley he didn't even halt when she saw the scene, screaming at him to leave she pulled out her wand. Ron turned around to see Hermione and Ginny standing there with shocked expressions on their faces, he put his arm around his sister and dragged her out the bathroom with Hermione following close behind. He could hear strangled sounds coming from Ginny, and tightened his hold on her, he felt numb and unsure what to do as he heard Hermione crying somewhere behind him. He wanted to go back up to the bathroom and shake Harry, because this couldn't be happening, not to Harry he was to strong. It killed Ron to see Harry so broken, and the worst thing was -he couldn't show it, what exactly could he say to make things better? Sitting his sister down on the couch, he turned to Hermione and wrapped her in his arms, "It's going to be ok, Harry is going to be fine, I… I promise."

"Professor? What are we to do with him?" Madam Pomfery wiped away a lone tear which had slipped down her cheek as she observed the boy in the hospital bed, she had been abruptly called from a hospital in the outskirts of Devon, which she retired to in the holidays. She had, had to, to her dismay use muggle medicine in the form of stitches on Harry as all magic failed to make a difference on the boy. The majority of the Weasley clan plus Hermione, Remus and Tonks where waiting outside the wards and yet considering the amount of people, no sound filtered though the closed hospital doors. Dumbledore was sat next to Harry's bed and he to was watching the boy.

"I don't know Poppy, I just don't know," he replied quietly.

The doors of the infirmary swung open and Snape strode down the aisle, and stopped abruptly as he reached Harry's hospital bed. "What happened?" Snape asked Dumbledore curtly, as his gaze roamed to Harry's face.

"We had a bit of an incident at the burrow."

Snape, without saying a word -took Harry's arms, however he could see no recent scars, so he laid them down slowly. He took the corner of the thin blanket, taking a deep breath he pulled it down slowly, revealing Harry in his underpants. Snape flinched when he saw the deep incisions, even more disfigured with the stitches. He pulled the blanket up slowly, giving the boy back some last few moments of privacy. Because Merlin, he's not going to be getting much privacy over the next few months."Severus?" Dumbledore said softly, as Snape stood silently still staring at Harry. "Why was this allowed to happen?" The silky voice was just as emotionless as his face.

Dumbledore sighed, "your advice was to leave him Severus, that interfering would just make him worse."

Snape glared at him, "nevertheless, it should never have been allowed to go this far!"

Dumbledore stood up, his face seemingly more lined than usual. " I agree Severus, I overestimated his strength… I just don't know where to go from here."

Madam Pomfery stood up, her white apron stained still with spots of Harry's blood, "St Mungo's headmaster?"

"No, we cant," Dumbledore replied, "this cannot get out, the consequences would be… -disastrous. Severus you have experience in this area, how do you feel it's best to carry on?"

Snape looked back down at Harry, "he needs to be watched. Not just at night, all the time. At least now he's back at Hogwarts, so we can keep an eye on him. But don't push him into talking Headmaster, he will just close up. He will talk eventually -when he is ready." Snape turned around to Madam Pomfery, "I will see Potter everyday to administer his blood replenishing potion, and I will also test for any concealment charms."

"Surely he should stay here for the time being?" Madam Pomfery said smoothing down Harry's bed covers.

"Keep him asleep until term starts. He needs the rest, and I have a feeling when he's conscious he wont be so accepting of the situation. Now I must be going, I need to contact Minerva over what's happened." And with that Dumbledore swept up the aisle his robes bellowing out behind him. Snape followed, his gaze lingering only a moment on Harry's face.

Harry opened his eyes slowly, and wasn't at all surprised when he saw people sat by his bedside. He had been conscious for quite a while, but hadn't wanted to open his eyes, he couldn't face it. -But he knew he had to sooner or later, and he would rather just get it over with. Mrs Weasley, Lupin and Madam Pomfery were sat around his bed and as of yet, they hadn't realised he was awake. He stole a quick glance around the room, and with a start he realised he was in the Hogwarts infirmary. He moved his legs slowly, with vague memories of a bathroom. His legs gave a sharp throb as they brushed against the blankets, and that was when he realised he was mostly naked.

"Harry!" Madam Pomfery exclaimed, "how long have you been awake?"

Mrs Weasley immediately started to stroke his hair, asking how he felt whilst Madam Pomfery's hands where on his head checking his temperature.

"Give him some space," Lupin demanded as Harry started to struggle. Madam Pomfery seized his arms when he attempted to swat her away."Calm down Harry, or I will have to sedate you again."This was when Harry started to seriously panic and he pushed against the arms that restrained him, his breathing came in sharp bursts as he felt Mrs Weasley pushing down at his shoulders.

"Harry!" Lupin shouted, "calm down, you will damage your stitches!"

"Let go!" Harry could feel himself hyperventilating, what where they doing? They where hurting him, their hands pressed into his already sore body. And more than anything they scared him, this was exactly what Uncle Vernon used to do.

"Please, stop," he sobbed, as Madam Pomfery pulled out her wand."Body bind?" She whispered to Lupin, who shook his head frantically.

"You'll damage any trust he has in us," he hissed violently as she raised her wand. "Harry, listen to me, focus on only my voice. Nothings going to hurt you here, you are safe, just calm down." All of a sudden Harry stopped, all the fight drained out of him and he lay there still he was exhausted and all he wanted to do was sleep.

"Harry?" Madam Pomfery whispered, "are you ok?"

"Come on dear," Mrs Weasley smoothed down his bedcovers, "your safe now, know more fussing eh?"

Harry didn't answer, his gaze trained on the ceiling.

Lupin leaned in and put a soft hand on his shoulder, "your safe here Harry. Come on, I'll help you get dressed, and then we'll go up to your dormitory?"

Harry nodded his consent, to tired to argue. He heard the others leave silently, and then Lupin handed a robe to him.

"This will do for now, your clothes are in your dormitory."He turned around to give Harry some privacy, and Harry took advantage of this, his fingers traced the scars on his legs.

Lupin turned around to see Harry sitting on the edge of the bed, staring his legs. He walked slowly over, "come on Harry," he muttered softly drawing the robe around Harry's shoulders.

"How long have I been asleep?" Harry asked as Lupin helped him off the bed.

"Two days, we'll get you some food soon."Lupin pushed open the doors to the infirmary, he still supported Harry as he led him down the deserted corridors. "You know," Lupin said conversationally, "I've lost count of how many times I walked these corridors when they where empty, and I was usually accompanied by your Dad."

Harry didn't answer, but it made him smile to imagine a teenage Lupin walking around the deserted corridors of the ancient castle.

Lupin gave the silent teenager a sideways look, "your Dad was a brilliant man, and he would be so proud of you."

"Yeah, so proud of the person who could not save his best friend," Harry mumbled.

"Harry, you are a brave, strong and loved young man, please don't forget that."They walked on in silence for a short while, "you know you almost died Harry?"

Harry looked at him, but didn't respond otherwise, Lupin tightened his grip on the boys arm.

"Was that your eventual goal? This… this path that you have been on, was death how it was supposed to end? It tears me up Harry to see you like this. Your will to live has always been stronger than the desire to give in."

"I'm sorry."

"Everybody's so damned sorry… just talk to me Harry, that's all I want. I understand a lot more than you think."

Harry squirmed, how could he possibly explain to Lupin everything that is wrong inside him, when he cant even figure it out himself?

Lupin sighed and looked away, "ok maybe not right now, but another time, you cannot keep all of this to yourself, it is damaging you."

They carried on walking, Lupin had let go of Harry's arm, and the boy was sure he felt bruises blossoming. It was eerie walking around the castle in the holidays, he had often taken his invisibility cloak out at night. But the castle had never had such an isolated feel before, or maybe it was him who was isolated from the castle.

"Needless to say, sharp instruments will be carefully monitored within your presence Harry. I advise you not to attempt anything, as I was hard pushed trying to persuade Dumbledore to let you attend the great feast tomorrow. He wanted you to stay in the infirmary one more night."

They reached the common room door, which was already open. Harry figured it was because the castle was practically empty, so the common room was fairly safe from unwanted intruders. Lupin led the way through the empty common room and up the spiralling staircases, Harry didn't even want to know how Lupin knew which dorm was his.

"I'll wait outside Harry, whilst you get changed. I'll be listening," Lupin informed him, and Harry took that to mean, don't try anything stupid.

Lupin took the time to have a look around the common room, and after ten minutes he went back up the stairs and knocked softly on the large oak door. Taking the low mumble from inside as consent, he pushed open the door.

"You ok kiddo?" He asked softly.

Harry was sat on the edge of what Remus presumed was his bed.

He nodded absently, "yeah, it's just really _weird _being here before everyone else."

Remus sat down next to him, "these dormitories haven't changed a bit." He fingered the coarse material that framed the bed, "even the curtains are the same."

Harry gave a small smile.

"Your children will probably be saying the same thing in twenty years." Lupin laughed, not noticing the sudden disappearance of Harry's smile.

They sat in silence for a short while, lost in memories."Remus, can I ask you a question?" Harry asked.

Lupin turned his head, "of course you can."

"Don't you… Did you not ever want kids?"

Remus looked surprised.

"I'm sorry," Harry added hastily.

"No, it's fine, I just… I- I've never heard of a Werewolf having offspring."

Harry couldn't think of a reply to this.

"To be honest, I don't think it would be fair on the child."

"You'd make a great Dad."

"Would I?" Lupin's smile was slightly sad, "I cant even look after the people I care about now… Anyway, you must be starving eh? Lets go down to the kitchens."

The pair where walking, once again, down the deserted corridors of the ancient castle -each lost in their own thoughts.

"Harry?"

Harry turned around, and had to repress a scowl when he saw Dumbledore striding towards him, followed by his most hated teacher.

"Headmaster, Severus," Lupin greeted politely. "Harry and I where just heading to the kitchens, to get some food."

"Excellent idea," Dumbledore beamed at Harry, "I find everything feels better with a full stomach, in fact Professor Snape and I where heading there ourselves."

Great.

"Come on Harry," Lupin gestured at him to start walking again.

Harry hurried to catch up, he didn't want to be stuck next to Snape, who was walking silently next to Dumbledore. The reached the dining room, which had a table set for four in the middle. On the table, there was an assortment of Sandwiches, Soup, Cake and Pumpkin Juice. Harry took a seat next to Lupin, which meant he had the pleasure of having Snape sit opposite him. All Harry wanted to do was go back to the dormitory, and get a sense of control and regularity back. All of this was disconcerting him, I mean he never in his deepest nightmares imagined he would be having such a intimate lunch with Snape. If only Ron could see him now… Harry was also getting slightly worried about his lack of access to sharp objects, if things got to desperate there was always a severing charm. But he imagined that that may be rather messy, he wanted something accessible. -Even now he could feel the pressure building.

"Well, tuck in everyone," Dumbledore said helping himself to a kept his head down throughout the meal, he felt immensely awkward with the whole situation. The adults seemed perfectly happy to leave him be until the end of Lunch.

"Harry?" Dumbledore enquired gently. "I think we need to discuss the arrangements for the next few days."

He looked up, what did they mean by arrangements?

"All sharp objects have been removed from your personal possession, and will be monitored if you are in contact with them in classes."Harry didn't respond, what did they want him to do? Thank them?

"You will also have to see Professor Snape every night," Dumbledore continued. "He needs to monitor your progress, and administer the blood replenishing potion."

Harry gaped at him in horror.

"Please close your mouth Mr Potter, I do not wish to observe what you have recently digested," Snape said coldly.

Harry swallowed thickly, he felt like he was going to vomit. He turned to Lupin, "why cant you-""I cant Harry," Lupin interrupted. "I'm sorry."Harry scowled into his bowl, this just gets better and better…

"I assure you Mr Potter, this wasn't how I envisioned spending my night either," Snape's sarcastic voice was getting on Harry's nerves.

"Also," Lupin said softly. "We all feel that for the next few days it would be for the best if you stayed with me in my quarters."

Harry stared at him cautiously, "stayed?"

"You will still go to lessons, but you'll spend the nights with me," he hesitated upon seeing the look on Harry's face. "It's for the best."

Harry took a deep breath, he could feel them all watching him. He mumbled something about being excused and then he was sprinting up the Great Hall. He reached the end, and pushed the large doors open, taking deep breaths he turned to the side he leant over and vomited. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and then dropping to his knees he retched some more. A warm hand on his shoulder steadied him.

"I'm sorry," Harry muttered.

"It's ok," the voice was Lupin's, he heard the swish of a wand and then the sick vanished.

"Do you think your going to be sick again?" Lupin asked gently.

"I'm not sure."

Lupin crouched down and placed a steady hand on Harry's forehead, "you do feel a little clammy."

Harry heard people moving behind him, he looked up to see Snape and Dumbledore watching him.

"Maybe I should take him back to my chambers?"

Dumbledore nodded his consent, Harry noticed that his face seemed much older than ever. Snape simply stood there his face blank, Harry glared at him, he bet the greasy git found this funny. Lupin helped him to his feet, and had to half carry him down to the chambers. However there was someone waiting for them, a certain someone that Harry had dreaded seeing over anyone...


	12. Chapter 12

AN -

Thanks to everyone that reviews! I know I'm really irregular in my updating, and I cant do anything but apologise about that, but I'm happy that you are enjoying the story!

The leaden feeling in the stomach which Harry had been ignoring all day, finally surfaced as he stared at Tonks. She was holding herself stiffly, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. He watched as her gaze travelled down to his cut leg and looked away, a dark look passing over her face. Lupin enquired to what she was doing here, and Harry flinched as she started to talk. He could feel the shame rising in the back of his throat, as the memory of him kissing her fought its way into consciousness. Once again he turned to the side and retched, however all that came up was a watery substance. Feeling exhausted all of a sudden he slumped against the wall with his eyes closed, he didn't really want to see Tonks at this present moment. In fact he didn't want to see Tonks… ever again. It was too embarrassing.

"Are you OK Harry?" Remus asked softly, whilst Tonks made a movement toward him. Remus stilled her with his hand, his eyes never leaving Harry's. "Lets get you inside, come on now."

Harry narrowed his eyes, at Lupin's cautious tone. Yet he allowed himself to be ushered into the older mans chambers, he kept his eyes down when he passed Tonks -not wanting to see the disgust which he was certain would be reflected in her eyes. Lupin's chambers where simply decorated, and Harry sat down on the worn couch in the centre.

"I'll make us all a cup of tea," Lupin muttered.

Harry looked around the simple room, whilst Tonks took a seat opposite. Several awkward moments passed, whilst Harry avoided Tonks' eyes.

"How are you feeling," her voice was politely concerned.

"Fine thank you."

"Harry," her voice was low and pleading.

What did she want from him? He looked at her distantly, she looked like he felt.

"You promised," she whispered and Harry only had time to meet her eyes as Lupin walked in levitating three cups. Harry took his with a quiet thanks and Lupin sat down beside him.

"Looking forward to starting lessons again?" Lupin asked warmly.

Harry took a sip of his tea, "um… I guess so."

"It'll be nice to see everyone again wont it?"

"Yeah." He was aware that his answers were not exactly riveting, but he quite simply could not be bothered. He could feel his eyes drooping, and he lost track of the whispered conversation going on around him.

"Oh yeah, Ron and Hermione will be arriving at Lunchtime tomorrow," Tonks' voice was quiet. She sounded nervous for some reason.

"Why aren't they coming on the train?" Harry asked setting his now empty cup on a table beside the couch.

"I think they wanted to spend some time with you," Lupin said amiably.

Harry made a noncommittal noise.

"Don't forget you need to see Professor Snape tonight, I could come with you if that would make you more comfortable?"

"Lupin? Why exactly do I have to see Snape?"

He felt Lupin take a deep breath beside him.

"He needs to monitor you Harry, and he is the only one skilled enough to do it," Lupin hesitated. "You will need to wear only a robe, as he will need access to your stitches."

This day continued to get better and better.

Harry dropped his head, "What if I refuse?" His voice was quiet, -barely audible. But somehow Lupin and Tonks both heard him. He wasn't going to refuse, he knew it wasn't worth the bother. He just wanted to know he had the option of refusing, he wanted to know that he had some control over what was happening.

"I'd advise you not to Harry," Lupin's voice was perfectly calm. "Don't make this harder on your yourself."

"Can I be excused, I need a lie down?"

Lupin pointed to the room Harry would be staying in, and all that time Tonks simply observed him with her sharp eyes.

He walked into the dark room, and shut the door quickly behind him. He lent against it, and slumped to the floor. He quickly rolled up his pants to see the deep scars on his legs. His finger softly traced the deepest one, he winced at the ugly stitches. Taking a deep breath he pressed his fingernail down, and blood seeped over the stitches. He put his head back revelling in the sharp pains, even now he could feel it calming him. If only they could see how much this helped him, how much he needed this to keep him focused…

Harry was perched on a wooden chair in the middle of Snape's office. He shivered in the thin robe which wasn't offering any warmth at all. Lupin stood beside him, and Harry eyed Snape apprehensively. The man had his back to them, and was scooping a dark potion into a small flask. He didn't need to ask who the potion was for.

"Drink this," Snape commanded, handing him the glass.

He took it cautiously, his eyes not straying from Snape, "what is it?"

"It will help thicken your blood," Snape narrowed his eyes as Harry made no move to drink the potion. "Mr Potter, I advise you not to try my patience."

"Come on Harry," Lupin muttered.

He closed his eyes reluctantly as he tilted the flask up to his mouth, taking a deep breath he downed the potion and had to stop himself gagging as it slid down his throat. Snape after observing Harry closely for a second, -was apparently satisfied.

"Now, I need to see if there is anything that can be done about this _mess."_

This time Harry did not need Snape to elaborate.

"I need to see your leg Potter."

He nodded slowly, yet made no move to pull the robe up.

Surprisingly Snape didn't pass a comment, instead he pulled Harry's robe up slowly revealing the scarred legs. Harry's breath caught as he noticed a lot of dried blood surrounding the stitched wound. He thought he had wiped all of it up, and from the look on Snape's face he had guessed what had happened.

"You do know why we are here Potter?"

"Yes," he answered rather defiantly.

"Yes _Sir_," Snape reminded him, but he didn't sound angry, he sounded resigned. "If you know why we are here, then why do I see clear signs of recent mutilation?"

"I-"

"Don't try and deny it Mr Potter," Snape's eyes flashed dangerously. "Do you think I am giving up my evenings for the mere fun of it?"

"I haven't done anything," Harry responded angrily, ignoring the incredulous look that Snape sent him.

"I must have knocked my leg getting changed or something."

"You are saying you _knocked _it?" Snape sneered. "I don't appreciate being lied to Potter!"

Harry didn't answer.

"Well then, take care to make sure you don't _knock _anything else." He said pulling out his wand.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked quickly, his mouth had gone dry. "Sir?" He added quickly as Snape shot a dark look at him.

"Diagnostic spell," he replied training his wand at him.

Harry sat still watching the wand.

"Turn around," Snape said suddenly.

"Why?"

Snape's lip curled, whilst Lupin placed a reassuring hand on Harry's shoulder.

"It seems not all your wounds are self inflicted. Now. Turn. Around!"

Harry turned around slowly, feeling horribly vulnerable.

"Take your robe off Potter."

Harry raised his eyebrows, and pleaded silently with Lupin.

"Come on now," Snape's voice was calm, although Harry got the feeling he was trying his patience. He glared at the wall as he shook the robe off, letting it fall to the floor.

"Good boy," Lupin muttered noticing Harry's discomfort.

Harry tensed as he felt Snape's wand tracing his back, what was he doing?

"Where did you obtain these welts?" Snape asked him sharply, Lupin moved from his side to take a look.

"Umm…" Harry said helpfully. "Um, I dunno, it must have been my Uncle."

Once again he felt the professors wand on his back, but this time it was accompanied by incoherent muttering. He started to squirm, as he felt a slight tingling in his back. A strong arm shot out and grabbed his arm, preventing Harry from any further movement. He flinched and glanced down at the arm which his Potion's Teacher's hand was currently gripping. He could feel a warm sticky substance pooling there, and with a shock he realised that Snape's roughness had proceeded to open one of his older wounds.

Then tingling eventually stopped, and Harry cringed as the room went silent. And then suddenly a cloth was being pressed lightly on his arm, he turned around slowly, Snape was standing beside his desk wiping his hands.

"Is it sore?" Lupin asked, as he pressed the cloth harder.

Harry shrugged him off, placing his own hand over the cloth.

"I'm fine."

"I now have a record of the number of scars currently residing on your body," Snape told him sharply. "I advise you not to test this Potter."

Harry nodded numbly, he bent over to pick the robe up and slid it on quickly.

"Do you understand?"

"Yes Sir," he replies quietly.

"Good, now I'll expect you here before the rest of the students arrive tomorrow."

Harry opened his eyes, the sunlight was shining through the small window above his bed. He sat up slowly trying to shake off the remains of his most recent nightmare. He couldn't remember the exact details of the dream, but he was willing to bet it featured his Uncle and Voldermort. And he also had vague memories of a certain purple haired witch. He got out of the bed, and got quickly dressed, careful not to knock his wounded leg. He opened the door of the small room quietly, he could see Lupin sitting on the couch.

"Good morning," he greeted the older man politely.

"How are you feeling," Lupin scrutinised him closely, Harry avoided his eyes.

"I'm fine."

"How did you sleep?"

"Fine."

Harry got the feeling Lupin didn't believe him.

"Tonks just sent a message, she is bringing Ron and Hermione in a short while."

Harry sat down next to Lupin, who turned to face him.

"How are they getting here?"

"Portkey I think," Lupin stood up. "I'll go and make you some breakfast, is toast OK?"

"Yeah toasts fine thanks." Harry stared around the room, he could see some pictures waving at him on the wall. He got up and curiously approached, as he got closer he could see a younger Sirius, Lupin and James. Both Sirius and Lupin looked happier than he had ever seen them. In the photographs the trio had their arms around each others shoulders, and they where laughing at the camera. It gave Harry an odd empty feeling to see them like this, -so carefree.

"They where taken when we left Hogwarts."

Harry jumped as Lupin's quiet voice sounded behind him. He turned around to face him.

"I miss them Lupin," he whispered.

Lupin didn't answer but he put his arms around Harry and gave him a tight hug, Harry buried his face into Lupin's coat, they stayed like that for a minute or so. Until finally Lupin broke it off and stepping back he looked Harry in the eye.

"It will get better Harry, I promise."

Harry nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

"I will always be here for you, if you need to talk about _anything _I'll be here."

Its almost like he knew about Tonks, Harry shifted feeling guilty, he knew Lupin wanted him to trust him. But he was to used to keeping hold of his secrets.

"I care about you Harry, your happiness means a great deal to me. It kills me that you felt that the only path left to take was death-"

"Lupin I-I wasn't…" He trailed off.

Lupin surveyed him for a moment, an unreadable expression on his face.

"People care about _you_ as a person Har-"

A knock on the door interrupted them, Lupin walked over and opened it. Hermione walked in her face tear-stained, and Ron followed closely behind. Tonks walked in last, she gave him a small smile. Hermione upon seeing him, let out something similar to a squeak and threw herself across the room into his arms. He heard her muttering something about him being an idiotic boy, as she sobbed into his shoulder. Ron walked over and gave him a swift hug, Harry could feel him trembling slightly.

Harry lay on the grass watching the clouds, Hermione's head was next to his. And Ron was trying to tempt the Giant Squid to the surface with a bit of cold toast. The sun was warming him, and he felt quite content, -the most comfortable he had been in ages. The remainder of the morning passed just as peaceful, no awkward questions were asked which Harry was thankful for. The only time the trio moved was to get some lunch, and he suspected one of his ribs were sprained due to Dobby's rather overexcited hug. Even the trip to Snape wasn't to bad, it was over within five minutes and Snape was silent throughout, which was a plus. Before Harry knew it his classmates had arrived and he was sat in the Great Hall awaiting the feast. It passes relatively quickly with only a few awkward moments as Ginny hugged him tightly, but then there was an outbreak of muttering as Lupin was introduced. However the Griffyndor's cheers drowned out the majority of the Slytherin's boos. Harry glanced over to were Malfoy was sat and with a jolt of anger he saw Crabbe and Goyle making vulgar gestures towards Tonks, who had just been introduced by Dumbledore. Although Malfoy wasn't actually doing anything himself, he just stared at his her with his eyes narrowed. Harry supposed this was the first time Malfoy had ever met Tonks, but even so, it was his cousin that his friends were being so rude towards. Harry looked away towards the teachers, his fists clenched. Tonks looked so small amongst all the professors, she was fiddling with the empty goblet in front of her whilst Dumbledore finished his speech. Now that Harry was actually paying attention to what was going on around him, he caught several of the teachers watching him. His cheeks burned as he looked away, he hated the thought that they all knew what had transpired, although thinking back he should have expected this. It was weird watching Ron leave to go back to the dormitories alone, throughout his six years at Hogwarts, Harry's first night had always been spent with his best friend. He didn't like the change in tradition and opted to go to bed as soon as he reached Lupin's chambers.

Harry woke up his heart hammering in his chest, he could feel that his pyjama's were drenched in sweat. He checked the time and groaned, it was only 5:00am, -far to early to be up, yet he somehow knew there would be no more sleep. He scrabbled on the cabinet beside his bed for his glasses and lit his wand, he got out of bed and rummaged through his trunk for his invisibility cloak. He slipped out of his bedroom and across the dark living room, managing to open the front door without a sound. Scanning the dark hallway leading away from the chambers, he slipped on the cloak and started to walk. It was silent and icy in the castle and he walked faster his bare feet numb with cold. He considered going up to the dormitories, he turned a corner and stopped abruptly. Tonks was stood there her wand held aloft, as she walked towards him. Harry almost spoke and then realised that Tonks couldn't see him and she was on guard duty, so it was perfectly normal for her to be wandering the castle. However, since he was supposed to be tucked up safely, -it wouldn't be wise to alert her to his presence. He continued to follow her for a while but quickly left when she bumped into Snape. Harry walked quickly down the corridor and into a bathroom, he slumped against the wall and took a deep breath. Out of all people, Snape always seemed to find him on his past nightly excursions. He slowly pulled up his pyjama sleeve and traced the scars, his mind beginning to form an idea. What if he didn't actually make any new scars? But simply reopened old ones? That way Snape would never know… Harry trained his wand onto an old scar, and muttered the severing charm carefully. The scar was immediately reopened, and dark blood started to trickle down his arm, Harry lent back revelling in the sting, he could feel himself thinking clearer now. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all.


	13. Chapter 13

"Potions first!" Harry said miserably upon receiving his timetable.

Ron smirked and thrust his potions free timetable in his face. Harry wasn't amused as he angrily mutilated the uneaten food on his plate.

"It isn't to bad," Hermione consoled. "Besides you only have defence against the dark arts this afternoon and then your finished for the day."

Harry didn't feel particularly comforted. "Yeah but still… Two hours of Potions!"

Ron grinned at him.

"What?" Harry asked moodily, slightly revolted at the half chewed sausage visible in Ron's mouth.

"You have both classes with the Slytherins," he answered almost writhing with glee.

"Fuck off!" He pushed his uneaten food away, ignoring Hermione's glare.

* * *

"Late!"

Harry was already feeling overwhelmed as he entered the dreaded dungeons. And he had to clench his fingernails into the skin of his palm, in order to keep from bolting.

He slumped down at the back of the room in a seat next to Hermione.

Snape shot him a filthy look before continuing his lecture. Harry was glad he had missed the first part of it.

"Well as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted." Another filthy look was shot Harry's way. "You have all become to complacent and that is a dangerous attribute to have in regards to such a potentially dangerous skill."

Harry studied his hands.

"You aren't children anymore." A pointed look at Harry who didn't respond. Snape continued in his cold voice. "So don't expect me to treat you as such. However, experiences over the last few years have led me to believe, that you will all benefit not being in such a comfortable situation."

Harry smirked at Hermione. Since when had Snape's class ever been classed as comfortable?

"So in order to give any of you a small possibility of passing your exams, even with this extra help. That is still rather doubtful." Snape paused at the front. "I will be splitting every single one of you up…"

Harry with a sinking feeling already had a vague suspicion of who he would be paired with. Sure enough - "Potter and Malfoy at the front."

Harry pushed his chair back and picking up his books he walked to the front and slammed his stuff down next to Draco. Snape split the rest of the class into pairs, and Hermione was with a tall female Slytherin.

Snape waved his wand and some instructions appeared on the large blackboard.

Harry took a deep breath before turning to a silent Draco. "What?" He asked defensively as Draco stared at him.

Draco however simply shrugged and stood up, presumably to gather the ingredients they needed. Harry stared at the instructions trying to focus, dreading the consequences if he couldn't. He pressed down slightly on the open cut on his arm and sighed quietly as it stung. He could see with more clarity -even now.

Draco was back and setting out the ingredients Harry reached out to help. He knocked over a small dark potion which drenched his sleeves.

"For Merlin sake Potter!" Draco said not noticing how pale Harry had turned.

He hunched over biting his tongue as a fire like sensation spread up his arms, he could feel wetness as well.

"Get a grip," Draco hissed as he mopped up the potion with a handkerchief.

"What's going on?" Harry made sure his face was perfectly blank when he met Snape's furious look.

"I spilt a potion."

"You spilt a potion?" Snape's voice was quiet. "Does your supposedly legendary seeker skills not account for anything Potter? Or are they simply a farce?"

"It was an accident."

The room had gone quiet, but Snape continued.

"Are you so conceited that you think this school can simply have a nether ending supply of things? Not everybody caters to your every need Potter!"

Harry remained motionless, trying to ignore the pain in his arms. It wouldn't work in his favour if Snape knew.

"He spilt it on himself."

Damn Malfoy!

Snape's eyes shot to Draco's face before back to Harry's. "Are you hurt?"

"No."

"Let me rephrase that. Are you in pain?"

Harry's hesitation was all Snape needed as he grabbed his robes. He ripped them out of Snape's grasp ignoring the slight gasp that rose from the class.

"I'm fine Sir," he hated the begging note in his voice. He didn't want to do this with Snape.

Not here and not now.

"Your bleeding."

Malfoy's voice was low, and if their wasn't such a deathly silence in the room Harry may have missed the words. But he could feel the blood to. Looking down he could see it dripping form the end of his robes onto the marbled floor. Snape looked almost apoplectic with anger.

He grabbed Harry without another word, and with a verbal warning to the class to carry on with the work, Harry was dragged into Snape's office.

* * *

Harry stood facing the irate man.

"You foolish, foolish child," Snape spat.

He strode forward and ripped Harry's sleeves up.

There was a lot of blood. It trickled down staining Snape's floor.

The look on Snape's face was fascinating.

Snape thrust a vial at him and ordered him to drink it. He grabbed Harry's chin forcing the bottle up to his mouth when he refused. Harry swallowed the liquid, hot tears of shame sliding down his cheeks.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Snape looked at him. "The Potion would have made you bleed out, until there wasn't a single drop of blood left in you." He shook the front of his robes as though that would help get the message across more. "You could have died."

Harry shrugged.

"Do you even care?" Snape's voice was almost conversational.

"Do you?" The words left Harry's mouth before he could even process them. Snape's hand shot out, and his head cracked against the wall from the force of the slap.

Nobody said anything.

Harry brought a trembling hand up to his burning cheek. Whilst Snape stared at his hands.

"You have no idea-" Snape broke off, his face paling. "Get back to class." He stood there motionless as Harry pushed past him.

Draco was half way through preparing the ingredients as Harry slumped back down beside him. He watched Draco slicing up s small wing, the small blade flashed as it caught the sun and Harry suddenly felt a deep impenetrable longing and sadness inside of him.

A small flash of scarlet spurted from Draco's hand as the knife slipped.

Draco met Harry's eyes for a brief moment and they were distant, as though not in the same room. Sure enough when Snape finally ventured out, he let out a small stream of curses as he examined Draco's hand, who simply stood motionless.

Snape pushed him ahead and Harry watched them leave. Draco's blood dripping after them.


	14. Chapter 14

Sorry about this short chapter, it was supposed to be with the last one, but I forgot to add it :)

And for those who have commented regarding Draco. Yes you are on the right track! :'D

* * *

"Ok split yourselves into pairs, and remember, no talking!" Lupin smiled at the class. "These spells are none verbal for a reason."

Draco was stood a small way in front of Harry and was unusually quiet, given his reaction to Lupin in the 3rd year. Draco's hand was bandaged, and Harry briefly wondered why he didn't simply get the wound healed.

"Ow!" Harry said angrily as Ron poked him.

"You wasn't listening," Ron said unconcerned as they moved to find a space where they could practice. Harry had to laugh at the look on Ron's face, which turned red under the pressure of not talking.

"How's it going boys?" Lupin asked walking over to them.

"Awful," Ron muttered as once again held his wand aloft.

"You'll get the hang of it eventually," Lupin said cheerfully moving closer to Harry. "How are you doing? Severus told me there was some trouble in class this morning?"

"He exaggerates."

Lupin sighed, "we'll talk about it later." He promised.

"Will we?" Harry asked shortly before turning away.

Lupin grabbed his arm but before Harry could react a yell rang out.

It was Malfoy.

He shouted at another Slytherin. Both boys had their wands out and Lupin strode over.

"What is going on?"

Both boys eyed the other.

"Fine. Jennings find another partner. Malfoy come with me."

Malfoy had gone pale. "Yeah, right!" He managed to sneer pushing past Lupin, who grabbed his robes.

"You know what Professor Snape's instructions were."

Even from where Harry stood, he could see Malfoy's face flush, as he wordlessly strode out the room.

Lupin turned to the class. "Carry on with your work, I'll be in my office."

* * *

Harry stirred his soup gloomily, it had been a crap first day and Ron wasn't improving his mood, as he recited to Harry about all the 'fit' girls in his class.

"Honestly Harry, I reckon they'd be well into you! Why you carry on with Potions anyway? It's another two years of Snape." Ron shuddered delicately.

Someone sat next to Harry, and he glared at the intruder.

Tonks.

"What do you want?" He asked her.

She looked like a student with her black robes and pale face. She gave him a small smile.

"You are with me for the afternoon."

Harry repressed a groan. He had been looking forward to some peace. And the thought of spending time, alone, with Tonks made him feel weird.

"Are you going to eat that? No? Ok, shall we go?"

He stood up pushing the uneaten food away and followed her silently out of the hall.

"So what do you want to do?"

"I dunno, I suppose I should get some homework done."

She started walking in the direction of the library, but Harry grabbed her arm. "Can we not go back to Lupin's chambers?"

She stared at him for a moment, "You don't want to go the Library? That's fine, but we'll have to go to my chambers." She bit her lip looking unsure. "Oh, it'll be fine. Come one."

He smiled at her, and as they turned the corner a large crowd of Slytherin's dominated the hallway.

Zabini, Crabbe, Goyle, Malfoy and a couple of others were there. Zabini looked positively delighted to see them.

"Well, well well." He drawled stepping out to meet them. "Potter's found himself a girlfriend."

Harry felt Tonks stiffen at the side of him.

"Fuck off," he responded angrily. He noticed that Malfoy looked uncomfortable with the situation.

Well good. Maybe there is hope for him.

Or maybe not.

Zabini looked Tonks up and down. "She's not a bad one. Keep her close Potter." He walked up and trailed a hand across her cheek.

Harry pulled his wand out.

"Don't!" Tonks warned, as she slapped his hand away.

Zabini smirked, "yes Potter, _don't._"

He lunged forward, "don't touch her you fucking pervert!" The Slytherin's hooted with laughter.

Tonks grabbed his arm and pleaded with him. "They aren't worth it Harry."

"Leave it," Malfoy warned Zabini, as he stood up.

"C'mon," Tonks muttered pushing past them.

"You cant be with her every second of the day," Zabini threatened as Harry followed.

* * *

Tonks chambers -like Lupin's, were sparsely decorated, and she flopped down on the small couch in the middle. Harry dumped his school bag by the door, and stood there feeling awkward.

"You can sit down," Tonks said smiling. "How was your first day then?"

Harry sat down next to her, clearly what had just happened with the Slytherin's was a forbidden topic. "It was ok, Snape was a bit of a git. Nothing new."

"Don't worry he was like that when I was at school." Tonks shifted and Harry had to resist the temptation to take her hand.

"Is it not weird… Being back?"

She laughed, a small yet beautiful sound. "Yeah kinda, I wasn't a prefect or anything so to be given this much authority is a bit… weird." She paused, "So Ginny came to see me."

Harry simply looked at her.

"She seems to think your, um, _accident, _was her fault."

"It wasn't," he replied immediately. "It was nobody's fault."

She looked down at her hands, "wasn't it?"

Were they still talking about Ginny.

"It wasn't your fault Tonks."

She swallowed, "I wasn't talking about me." She paused and then rushed on. "When I saw you in the bathroom, all that blood… It broke my heart Harry."

"Well you broke mine."


	15. Chapter 15

Harry lay slumped against the wall in the bathroom, his robes where open to reveal a topless chest covered in blood. Harry could feel his concentration fading as he watched red blood trickle over his hands, to plop against the marble tiles. He frowned slightly as Tonks's hurt face forced itself into his mind, but he was able to push her away quickly, by pushing down on the cut.

"Potter?"

Harry winced as the familiar voice penetrated the fog in his mind; he peered up at the slightly swaying figure in front of him.

"You're drunk," Harry declared incredulously, surely Malfoy knew that was against school rules?

Malfoy smirked at him. "Yes, and you're bleeding. No let me guess," he continued, as Harry opened his mouth to make an excuse. "-It was the cat, right?"

Harry glared at the floor. "Actually, it was a Quidditch accident."

Malfoy's eyes widened in mock concern, "well we should get you to the hospital wing _immediately_, it looks rather deep. Wouldn't want it to get infected, would we?"

"Piss off Malfoy."

"Hey! I'm only trying to help, I'll even take you."

Harry snorted, "in your state?"

Harry flinched as Malfoy leaned towards him, the fumes radiating off him made Harry's eyes water. He struggled to his feet and pushed past the blonde teenager, who grabbed his arm.

"I think you're forgetting something." Malfoy gestured towards the blood on the floor. "Don't want the teachers seeing that, do we? They may get suspicious."

Harry ignored him as he lent down to mop up the blood, but in doing so, his robes fell open, exposing Malfoy to his blood soaked chest and various other cuts and bruises. He straightened up, waiting for Malfoy to pass a snarky comment. Harry was seriously considering whether he could perform a memory charm on Malfoy, who would be sure to run gleefully snitching to Snape.

"I can help you know."

"Help with what?" Harry responded absently, he supposed he could Obliviate him, but memory charms had never been his strong point. Supposed it went wrong?

"You don't have to bleed to hurt," Malfoy said quietly and Harry looked at him in surprise.

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you want me to show you?"

"No, I'm sick of your games Malfoy, just leave me alone," Harry made to push past him, but heard Malfoy whisper something and then Harry was on the floor screaming, except he wasn't, he was completely silent. The pain threatened to overwhelm him, as he silently begged for it to stop. It seemed to last forever, until Harry's vision started to fade and then all of a sudden it stopped. Harry lay gasping on the floor, unable to comprehend what had just happened. Malfoy's face shimmered in and out of view and a sharp boot connected with Harry's side.

"Get up," Malfoy hissed, giving him another sharp prod.

Harry clambered to his feet ignoring the pain; he found his hands around Malfoy's neck as he pushed him up against the wall. "What the fuck, Malfoy!" Harry snarled, as he slammed the blondes head into the wall. "You can't just do that to someone, I could have you put in Azkaban for that!" Harry slammed his fist into the wall next to Malfoy's head, making him flinch. Harry turned away from Malfoy.

"For fuck sake!" Harry was startled to find he had tears in his eyes, he couldn't believe he had let someone take control over him again, in such a demeaning manner.

"Did it not help?" Malfoy's voice was quiet, yet polite. He did not seem the slightest perturbed by his actions.

Harry turned furiously to face him. "Help? Are you serious? You just performed the cruciatus curse on me!"

"I didn't do it to hurt you," Malfoy paused. "Well no, I did do it to hurt you, but not in that way. You don't get it do you? The teachers will always know Potter; you can't hide it from them. But the crucio curse, it allows you to feel the pain without many observable physical effects."

Harry was shaking, "you're the one who doesn't get it. You just took something by force, it wasn't my control, it was yours."

"It's about mastering the Pain and once you've mastered it, you can control it."

"This is some fucked up shit and if I say that, then you should be worried."

Malfoy looked down, he almost looked ashamed. "I won't tell if you don't?"

Harry spluttered, "are you serious? You're the one that's in trouble for this!"

"The teachers will find out about your cutting," Malfoy gave Harry a sarcastic smile. "Besides, you asked me to do it, don't you remember?"

* * *

Harry woke up screaming that night; he had dreamt he was back at his uncles, powerless to do anything as he stabbed him with 1000 red hot knives.

"Shh Harry."

Harry struggled and kicked against the arms pushing him down, no, comforting him. He opened his eyes to see Lupin looking very worried.

"It's ok Harry, you're safe now, it was just a dream."

Harry buried his head in his hands and sobbed, he felt Lupin's arms encircle him and for a moment he felt safe. He had never been held like this, never. After what seemed like a long time, Lupin let go and Harry sat back rubbing his eyes, which were now stinging.

"Harry? You're bleeding."

Oh shit.

"Don't look so worried, we'll get you bandaged up. Could you take off your top for me?"

Harry stared at him aghast; he didn't want Lupin to see the extent of the damage he had done to himself. Most of all, he didn't want to see the disappointment in Lupin's eyes.

"Come on Harry, I need to see what you've done," said Lupin calmly.

Harry's fingers trembled as he unbuttoned his top, he couldn't look at Lupin as he pulled it off.

"Ok, some of these incisions are quite deep." Lupin's fingers were cold as he examined Harry's arm. "I wonder why Snape's spell didn't pick these up."

Harry stared down at his lap ashamed, he couldn't speak, his mouth had gone dry.

"Harry?"

"Err, I, they aren't new cuts," mumbled Harry.

There was silence from Lupin and Harry looked up, he looked sad, really sad. Somehow that was worse than disappointment.

"Harry, I need to report this to Dumbledore," Lupin stood up. "Come on, this is out of my hands."

Harry's legs felt rather numb, as he put his pyjama top back on and followed a silent Lupin through the castle, towards Dumbledore's office.

"You're not in trouble Harry," Lupin said as they walked the spiral staircase up to the office. Harry didn't answer, and felt physically sick as Lupin gave the required password and then proceeded to knock at the heavy oak door.

"Come in."

Harry had rather hoped that Dumbledore had, for once, decided to have an early night. But nevertheless he followed Lupin into the office, with a horrible sense of foreboding.

"Professor Lupin, to what do I owe the pleasure? I see you've brought Harry. I take it this isn't a social call." Dumbledore smiled at them and conjured two armchairs, Harry sank into one, whilst Lupin remained standing.

"Harry's been harming himself," Lupin said bluntly.

"Ah, I see. Harry, do you have anything to say?"

Harry shook his head, he was vaguely aware of Lupin's hand on his shoulder.

"How deep are the wounds?" Asked Dumbledore.

"Quite deep," replied Lupin. "He's been reopening old wounds to avoid detection."

Dumbledore sighed and surveyed Harry over his spectacles. "It seems I over estimated your strength."

Harry felt like he'd been punched in the stomach, he'd let them down, all of them. He could see that now.

"That wasn't an admonishment Harry; you've been through a lot. Too much."

"Where do we go from here?" Lupin asked Dumbledore. "St. Mungo's?"

"No," objected Harry. "Please don't send me there."

"Well what do you propose we do Harry?" Dumbledore said gently.

Harry supposed that 'nothing' wasn't the required response here.

"He cannot remain with me," Lupin said softly.

"What?" Harry turned to face Lupin. "You're kicking me out?"

"No," Lupin lent down next to Harry. "I'm not kicking you out; my door is open to you, anytime. But I cannot do this Harry; I fear that being with me is causing you more harm."

Harry felt the anger run down his cheeks. He pushed the tears away impatiently and turned away from Lupin.

"You couldn't have remained with me much longer anyway Harry, the full moon is coming up. It isn't safe."

"We were going to let you return to your dormitory," said Dumbledore.

"You were?" Harry asked surprised. He could have kicked himself, if he hadn't got himself caught by bawling like a baby, everything would have gone back to normal, whatever normal was.

"Well that's clearly not an option now," replied Dumbledore. "I suppose Professor Snape could be a possibility."

"No! No way." Harry shouted standing up.

"Sit down," ordered Lupin, Harry ignored him.

"I'd rather die, than stay with him."

Silence greeted Harry's words and he already regretted them.

"I, I didn't mean that."

Lupin stood up. "I'm going to alert Nymphadora and Snape of recent events. Harry, I'm very sorry."

"I don't care," replied Harry.

Lupin left without another word and the disappointed look off Dumbledore made Harry shrink into himself. He wished he could rewind time to the start of the night, or to the start of the year. Or his life. He wished someone was here that he could talk to, someone that would get it. Someone like his dad, or Sirius.

"We could save them!"

"What was that?"

Harry looked Dumbledore in the eyes. "We could save them Professor. I've done it before, it would save so much hurt!"

"Save who?" Asked Dumbledore cautiously.

"My parents!"

"Oh Harry. We cannot meddle with death, you know that."

"I saved Sirius," replied Harry stubbornly. Why wasn't Dumbledore getting it? This was a way to resolve everything.

"That was different, it wasn't his time then."

"And you get to decide that?" Responded Harry angrily.

Dumbledore took a deep breath. "Do you not think everyone has people they want to go back and save? You cannot do it, the ministry wouldn't allow it."

Harry snorted, when had Dumbledore ever cared what the ministry thought?

"Saving someone's life has consequences, big consequences. I get that you're hurt, but you need to stop living in the past and focus on your loved ones here."

"No, everything gets taken from me! Everyone I love goes away and now I can put that right. If not with my parents, then why not Sirius?" Harry wasn't even aware he was shouting.

"No Harry. I wish there was a way to ease your pain, but there isn't and you cannot keep blaming yourself."

Harry roared into his hands, "I wouldn't need to blame myself if they were here! I do everything you ask of me and one little thing I ask..."

"Calm down," Dumbledore said softly, as Harry violently kicked the chair. His breaths tore out of his chest, and then he was sobbing. A deep wrenching that came from deep within his chest.

Harry launched something across the room, just as the door opened.

"Harry!" Lupin ran forward to catch him as he hit the floor. He struggled against Lupin's grip and beat angrily against his chest.

"I think you should sedate him," said Snape.

Harry cursed at Snape, he hated him, hated them all.

"Come on now Harry, calm down." Lupin rubbed circles into his back, but Harry still punched at him.

"I hate you," he told Lupin.

"I know."


	16. Chapter 16

Lupin entered his living room, closing the door tight behind him. Snape and Dumbledore were stood against the wall opposite Tonks was sat on the couch with her arms wrapped around her. Her bewildered expression made her seem a lot younger than she was. Lupin sat down next to her and placed a comforting hand on her arm.

"Is he sleeping?" Dumbledore asked.

Lupin nodded, he let out a huge sigh.

"He hates me," he muttered. "He blames me."

"The boy applies blame to everyone other than himself," replied Snape quietly, he looked away as Dumbledore shot him a quelling look.

"The boy has been through a lot Severus. I think his destructive behaviour comes from a deeply stemmed self hatred."

"He's had it drummed into him from a young age that he's not good enough," responded Lupin angrily. "Why was he left to suffer at his relatives?"

Tonks squeezed his hand.

"He'll be ok Remus."

Lupin looked at her through tired eyes.

"I'm not so sure anymore," he whispered. "He's pushing everyone away, pushing me away and now he hates me for not letting him remain here. But he doesn't want to be here, not really. It's not me he wants, it's James and Sirius and it's killing him!"

"He needs someone to stay with and I think we've definitely ruled Severus out," said Dumbledore.

"That never would have worked," replied Snape glaring at him.

"Well what about you Dora?" Lupin asked Tonks. She regarded him with wide, frightened eyes.

"Me?"

Dumbledore considered her.

"It could work, he needs boundaries with someone who cares about him, someone who he trusts and hasn't got an emotional connection with his past."

"You'll be hard pressed finding someone who isn't involved in Potter's past," snorted Snape.

"I can't look after a teenager," insisted Tonks. "He's mentally unstable Remus, and I won't be able to handle him! He needs professional help, not –not, me."

"He does need help," agreed Dumbledore. "But unfortunately that's not practical within his circumstances."

"Not practical?" Lupin exploded standing up. "Our concern should be Harry, his best interests. He needs help!"

"Well what do you propose? He cannot see a psychiatrist in St. Mungos and it wouldn't be sufficient to see a muggle psychiatrist."

"We need to do something," pleaded Lupin. "We can't just stand back why he destroys himself."

"What about Potter's fan group?" Snape asked. "Is he not opening up to them?"

Lupin shook his head.

"He isn't seeing much of his friends."

"Well in my experience with troubled adolescents, they usually reach out to at least one person. His self-harming it isn't suicidal behaviour as such. He's crying out for help," said Snape. "Or attention seeking." He added.

Tonks shifted uncomfortably on the couch. Is that what Harry had been doing? Reaching out to her? All she had done was push him away and consequently made him resort to cutting himself.

"How do I stop him hurting himself?" She asked sadly. "I wouldn't be able to stand it professor, watching him fall apart."

Dumbledore gazed at her.

"You can only do your best, just let's hope you are more successful than us."

* * *

Harry was curled up on the bed, his face blotchy with crying and his voice hoarse from screaming into his pillow for the last hour. He couldn't believe that Lupin had given Snape consent to stun him. Then he'd been carried through the castle like a disobedient child, another muffled sob escaped his throat.

"Harry?" Lupin knocked on his door. "I thought you were asleep. Can I come in?"

Harry turned his back on the door and didn't respond. Lupin tried the doorknob anyway.

"Open up Harry," said Lupin, with a note of urgency in his voice. "Can you hear me?"

A loud bang made him jump, as the door flew open and then strong arms lifted him out of bed and slammed him against the wall. He had never seen Lupin look so angry.

"What the hell do you think you're playing at?" Lupin snarled, shaking him. "Are you punishing me? Is that it?"

Harry tried to pull away from the hands gripping his shirt, but they gave him another bone rattling shake.

"You are one stupid child!"

Lupin's face was inches from Harry's.

"That's enough Remus," said Tonks from the doorway.

"Did you think I'd forgotten what happened last time you were behind a locked door, eh Harry?" Lupin growled at him. "You lost the right to privacy when you decided not to live."

Lupin's sharp words stunned them both and he let go of Harry's shirt. Harry pushed past Lupin, who stood as though stunned and ignored Tonks. He was shaking as he stood in the living room facing a silent Snape and a frowning Dumbledore. Tonks stepped up and grabbed his arm.

"C'mon Harry, you're staying with me for the time being."

"What, with you?" Harry asked staring at her. "I don't need babysitting."

"On the contrary Mr Potter, your astonishing lack of self control, suggests otherwise," Snape remarked sarcastically.

"Come on, we'll get you bandaged up, you can collect your stuff in the morning," said Tonks as she dragged him out the room.

"Goodnight Harry," said Dumbledore.

Harry followed Tonks down the dimly lit corridor, she walked ahead of him but he could tell from her stature that she was annoyed. He hoped it wasn't anything he had done, but considering the night's events, it probably was. She opened the door to her chambers and held the door open for him.

"Sit down," she ordered, striding into the bedroom.

Harry obliged and sat down on the couch, she then returned and crouched down in front of him and wouldn't look him in the eyes, as she opened a small first aid box. She pulled out a small bottle of anti infective treatment and some cotton wool.

"Take off your shirt," ordered Tonks.

Harry pulled off his shirt and Tonks eyes went dark as she took in the damage. She applied the ointment to his arm and Harry winced at the fire sensation that seemed to spread up his arm. Tonks paused and looked at him with her eyebrows raised.

"What's wrong? Is this type of pain not as satisfying?" She asked him sarcastically.

She finished applying the ointment on his chest and wrapped his arm up in bandages, leaning back onto her heels she appeared to scrutinise him.

"Whilst you stay with me, there are some ground rules, ok?"

Harry nodded.

"No cutting yourself under my roof Harry. I mean it. I get that you have the whole stress relieving thing going on, but we are going to find a healthier way of dealing with it."

Harry stared at her and didn't answer.

"And if you think that hurting yourself will get my attention, think again."

"Not everything is about you," responded Harry angrily.

Tonks regarded him, her eyes unreadable.

"Then what is it about Harry? Why do you do these things to yourself if it isn't an attention thing?"

"It isn't an attention thing!" Insisted Harry, he looked away from her. "It helps, I don't know how, but it does."

"Well it's got to stop."

"Do you honestly think it's that easy?"

"You really want my opinion? I think you've been through a lot and you have somehow come to associate pain with love and now you think you need to bleed to get someone to notice you."

Harry looked at her shocked.

"This isn't to get your attention Tonks and it has nothing to do with you!"

"When I pushed you away after the, after you kissed me, you attempted suicide."

"I didn't try to kill myself."

"You are a liar Harry."

Harry stood up and pushed past her.

"Take me back to Lupin's. I don't want to stay with you. In fact I'd rather stay with Snape than here."

"You cannot go back to Remus's," replied Tonks. "Look I'm sorry, I shouldn't have interrogated you, I'm just worried and I don't know what to do."

"You tell me to talk to you, but you don't listen, so what's the point?"

"I am doing the best I can," responded Tonks angrily. "You think this only affects you, but it doesn't. You are hurting everyone around you Harry and I am trying to understand why you do the things you do, but I can't. And as for staying here, well I am awfully sorry, but you don't have any choice in the matter."

Harry glared at her, he actually felt like he hated her at the moment.

"Now you can have my bed for the time being," said Tonks shortly.

"Where are you going to sleep?" Harry asked her.

"On the couch."

* * *

Tonks paused outside the bedroom, she held her breath as she listened for any noise. But Harry appeared to be sleeping. Tonks took a deep breath, she knew she had lost her temper earlier, but the boy infuriated her so much. She wanted to shake him sometimes and despite his insistence earlier that she wasn't the cause of his problems, she still felt guilty. She'd come to curse the day she'd ever heard of Harry bloody Potter, because now she cannot get him out of her head.

* * *

Harry had been gently prodding Tonks for the last five minutes, he wasn't quite brave enough to shake her, yet prodding simply wasn't rousing the woman.

"Wake up Tonks," whispered Harry, as he gave her another, sharper, poke.

Tonks groaned and in turning over, the cover slipped onto the floor, giving Harry an unprecedented view of a flash of bare skin on her stomach. He felt his stomach clench painfully as he cleared his throat.

"What do you want?" She mumbled into her pillow.

"I err, I kind of need your help."

Tonks finally sat up, with much grumbling. Her hair was short today and extremely tousled.

"With what?"

Harry showed her his bandaged arm, which was stained red.

Tonks grabbed his hand and stared at him pointedly. She didn't look as tired anymore.

"You haven't-?"

"No," objected Harry. "I woke up and it was like that."

"Well I suppose that's only to be expected given how deep they are," she sighed and pushed the cover completely off her.

Harry had to swallow slightly at the sight of her bare legs, what was wrong with him? He didn't react like this to Hermione.

Tonks however had noticed the direction of Harry's gaze.

"Harry! Will you stop gawping and go and get the first aid box?"

Harry flushed red and with a stammered response rushed back into the bedroom. Tonks shook her head at his retreating figure, a reluctant smile on her face.

* * *

Harry sat opposite Hermione in the great hall, he was stirring his porridge rather morosely whilst she stared him. Ron wasn't there, again, and Harry was willing to bet this would become a regular occurrence.

"But I still don't understand why you're staying with Tonks," said Hermione. "Why can't they let you back to your dormitory?"

Harry didn't answer and Hermione lent forward tentatively.

"You aren't, hurting, again are you?"

Well that was a euphemism if he ever had heard one.

"No Hermione, I am not _hurting_ again."

Hermione set down her fork, Harry smirked, she clearly meant business.

"I suppose they think it may trigger you."

"Trigger? Seriously Hermione? Have you been reading up on it?"

Hermione's flush was the only answer Harry needed.

"Hermione, I promise you, I am better!" He tried to reassure her.

"Well I think you are in a rather enviable position!"

The cool look Harry sent her, made her go even redder.

"No, all I meant that because you're staying with a teacher, you're grades must be really improving."

Harry shrugged.

"Not really, he doesn't do my homework for me, like you did."

Hermione looked scandalised and Harry had to bite back a laugh.

"That was only on special occasions-"

"Yeah sure Hermione," he teased. "In fact I have a potions essay due in for Monday if you have some free time?"

"I hope you aren't suggesting that Miss Granger does your homework Harry," said a slightly teasing voice behind him.

Harry ignored Lupin and biting back annoyance at Hermione's shocked expression, he gathered up his school things. He walked briskly out of the great hall, pushing past Lupin as he did so. But Lupin of course, followed.

"Harry, don't walk away from me."

Harry ignored him.

"I think we need to talk."

Lupin grabbed his arm and Harry flinched.

"Let go," he demanded through gritted teeth.

"Come on, come back to my chambers we can talk," pleaded Lupin.

"I thought I wasn't welcome," responded Harry childishly. He wrenched his arm out of the man's grasp and walked away.

"You are always welcome Harry, you know that!"

Lupin strode after him and grabbed his arm again.

"You are coming with me kiddo, whether you like it or not."

And so Harry was once again dragged like a disobedient child, down to Lupin's chambers.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Harry asked furiously, the moment the door closed.

Lupin rubbed his temples.

"Sit down... please."

Still angry, Harry sat down.

"I think we should talk about last night."

"What's the point? You never listen to me," said Harry glowering at him.

Lupin sat down next to him, seemingly immune to Harry's death glare.

"I think you are being rather unfair Harry, you don't talk to me, properly talk to me. So I am forced to make decisions without knowing your wishes."

"Sirius would never have kicked me out," said Harry.

"I am not Sirius as you are undoubtedly aware. Besides, I am sure Sirius would have understood my reasoning for doing so."

Lupin looked Harry in the eyes and it made the boy uncomfortable.

"Harry I care very deeply about you and not just because you were my best friend's son. You are a remarkable, intelligent and kind boy and I am very proud of you."

Oh Merlin, Harry hoped Lupin wouldn't cry.

"But remaining here with me, I feared it would cause you more pain."

"You are the closest thing I have to dad and Sirius," objected Harry.

"Exactly. But I am neither James nor Sirius and you will continue to resent me for it, until you come to term with their deaths."

Harry pondered the man's words, did he resent Lupin? No, he liked the man, very much so, he was the closest thing he had to a dad. But he wasn't his dad and he never would be. Is that what Lupin was getting at?

"I know you're not my dad and I don't blame you for not being Sirius," said Harry quietly.

"I just felt that by keeping you here Harry, was purely for my selfish reasons of wanting to protect you, yet it just reminded you of their absence. That is why you cannot stay with me, so you can heal."

"I didn't, it wasn't because-"

Harry took a deep breath.

"- I didn't do any of this because I blame you."

"Is it because you blame yourself?" Lupin asked gently.

"Maybe, I don't know. It is my fault though. I didn't learn occlumency and Voldermort used that against me and that's why Sirius was murdered."

Lupin leaned back and Harry could feel himself shaking, he wasn't sure why he was telling Lupin this. Maybe it was simply the overwhelming desire to tell _somebody._

"Well what would you say if I told you that I had been hurting myself, because I should have stopped Bellatrix before she killed Sirius?"

"I'd say it wasn't your fault," responded Harry reluctantly. "But professor, the situations are completely different. You had no control over the events that happened!"

"And you did?" Lupin questioned him.

"Yes. I didn't learn occlumency and I should've, because it would have saved his life."

"If that's the case then the fault doesn't lie with you. It lies with us for not confiding why it was essential that you learnt it."

Harry shook his head.

"No, it wasn't your fault, I should have listened. It should have been enough that Dumbledore wanted me to learn it."

He turned to Lupin with tears in his eyes.

"You don't get it. I didn't even _try_ to learn!"

* * *

"Do you need any help with that?"

Harry looked up, Tonks had been hovering for the past half an hour whilst Harry laboured over his potions essay.

"You know, you really shouldn't start your homework last minute," she informed him unhelpfully.

But Harry conceded that she may in fact have a point, as he crumpled up the fifth piece of parchment.

"Do you know why Hippogriff blood is important in strength potions?" He asked desperately.

She shook her head and Harry groaned.

"You know at times like this I really miss Hermione."

Tonks sat down next to him.

"You don't really see much of your friends anymore."

"I see them in lessons," Harry answered absently.

"Yeah but it's not the same."

Harry laid down his quill and rubbed his eyes he felt exhausted, although he didn't want to go to bed, since that was when the urge to, _damage_ himself was at the strongest.

"Why don't you spend some time with them tomorrow? You can go back to the common room after class instead of here."

Harry stared at her stung.

"I'm sorry, if you wanted some alone time, you should have just said. I don't mind!"

Tonks gave him a playful nudge.

"You're so touchy! I only meant you need to be around people you're own age."

"Well if I was allowed to sleep in my own bed..." Harry reminded her.

"Hey! I don't know what you're moaning about, you have a nice double bed awaiting you tonight, whereas I am on the couch again. We can swap if you want?"

"Nah, I'm ok in the bed."

"You're such a gentleman! Although if you are staying here is more long term, I may have to think up a better arrangement."

Harry blushed as a better arrangement popped up in his head, of dear, thank god Tonks wasn't an occlumens.

"Ooh you've gone red!" Tonks laughed, teasing him. "Is Harry having dirty thoughts?"

"No!" Harry lied. "Go away, you're distracting me."

* * *

Harry had decided to skip potions and he wondered if Lupin would class it as 'self-destructive' behaviour? The truth was Harry hadn't finished his essay and he really wanted to avoid Draco after what occurred on Friday. So now he was sat, freezing, in the toilets, furious that he allowed himself to be put in this situation. He now had an hour and a half to kill, plus all the drama he would get when he saw Tonks in the evening. And now that he had nothing to preoccupy him, the urge to cut returned. But he wouldn't do it, he'd prove to Lupin that he could be trusted. It didn't occur to Harry that he should want to stop for his own well-being, not simply to prove something. Harry groaned and rested his head in his hands, sincerely regretting his rash decision to skip class.

"Harry?"

How the hell did Tonks know where he was? Harry stayed quiet, confident in the abilities of his invisibility cloak.

"I know you are in here and I suggest you reveal yourself now, before I really lose my temper."

Good god. She sounded like his mother.

"Goddamn it Harry Potter," she said coming around the corner, she was making her way down to where he was huddled, kicking open all the toilet stalls.

Harry held his breath as she edged closer scanning the air in front of her, she prodded him with her foot and then gave his invisible body another kick. Wordlessly she dropped to her knees and yanked his invisibility cloak off him.

"Well?" She countered, as he gazed dumbstruck at her. "Have you hurt yourself Harry?"

He shook his head.

"Let me see your arms," she said shortly.

"I haven't done anything, I promise," he answered quietly.

Tonks ignored him. "Let me see, now."

He pulled up his shirt and showed his bandaged arms to her.

"See?"

"Take off your shirt."

Harry did so reluctantly.

Tonks examined him with a clinical coldness and Harry shivered under the weight of her glare.

"Can you take off your pants as well?"

"What?" Harry stared at her incredulously, his face bright red.

"I need to see if you have inflicted any damage to your legs," she answered coolly, standing up to give him some space.

Harry stood up undoing his pants with trembling fingers. They dropped to the floor and Harry could only be thankful that he hadn't given into the urge to cut, as his leg would have bore the damage.

"You are way too skinny," said Tonks critically as Harry stood there in only his underwear.

"Get dressed," she said turning around to give him some privacy. An action Harry deemed totally hypocritical, since he had just undressed in front of her.

"How did you know where to find me," he asked once dressed.

"Remus told me that I may find a certain map amongst your things."

Harry felt his mouth go dry, she had the marauders map.

"You had no right to go through my things."

"Don't you dare preach to me about the rights and wrongs of this situation," responded Tonks angrily. "You will be treated like a child, until you can act responsibly. The map stays in my possession." She picked up the invisibility cloak. "Along with this."

He made to grab it, but faltered under her cold glare.

"Now do you care to tell me, why I have had to waste my morning searching for you?"

"I skipped class Tonks, everyone does it," Harry replied sourly.

"Not everyone is under suicide watch," she snapped back at him.

"What?" He responded furiously. "Suicide watch?"

Tonks flushed under his glare and suddenly found it difficult to meet his eyes.

"I shouldn't have said that, but that still doesn't excuse your totally irresponsible actions. I am so disappointed in you Harry."

* * *

Harry was sat on the couch in Tonks's living room, it was half seven and she had ordered him to make a start on his homework and was no keeping a watchful eye on him. Tonks leapt off the couch as someone knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" She asked.

"It's me," replied Lupin.

Tonks opened the door and Lupin strode in, he looked over to where Harry was sat.

"How are you doing kiddo?" Lupin asked him.

Harry shrugged.

"Do you want some tea?" Tonks asked Lupin, sounding very nervous.

Harry stared at her in amusement, as her hair turned dark. Lupin however didn't comment on her odd attitude.

"No I'm not staying," he said and turned to Harry. "If you're not too busy, I would like you to take a walk with me. I can take you straight to Snape's office after."

"Yeah sure," replied Harry, glad for a break from his homework.

"See you later Harry," said Tonks, staring after them.

"Now Harry, I need to talk to you about something," Lupin said once they were in his chambers, he looked rather apprehensive. "Dumbledore seemed to think this was a bad idea, but I disagreed, but it's totally up to you, don't feel pressured into doing it if you don't wish to."

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked with a horrible sense of foreboding.

Lupin pointed towards a basin like object in the corner of his room.

"Do you know what it is?"

Harry nodded, he'd encountered a pensieve last year in Dumbledore's office. But why would Lupin have a pensieve and what did it have to do with him?

"I have some memories in there that I think you would like to see."

Harry took a step towards it.

"Is my dad in them?"

"Yes."

"Can I?" He looked at Lupin. "Am I really allowed?"

"Yes Harry," smiled Lupin. "Although I am coming with you, if that's ok?"

Harry nodded.


End file.
